The ever-profitable dating industrial complex.

I got this in my in box today. When did dating become such a battlefield? When did it become a strategy game? When did it become such a mystery? When did it become an INDUSTRY?

Is the online dating scene and all of the workshops, singles parties and the myriad of consultants and matchmakers really necessary? Or is it just another way that even the most sacred, basic, simple things in our lives (like love and sex) have been warped into an industry that people can profit off of?

Personally, I just long for the days when I was a teenager and we were fresh, innocent, and blissfully unaware of the "games". When it was just about hanging out because you liked someone and thought they were cute. I think if we could step back and forget all the fear, games, strategies and mistrust, maybe, just maybe, we could fall in love with each other again.


Are you disillusioned with dating?
Feeling less than powerful?
Feeling less than optimistic?
Tired of the "games?"

Ever considered that it's HOW you're dating?

Hey Everybody! Join me and my guests, Relationships/ Dating experts
Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski, for a riveting
hour on how you can date intelligently and
successfully!

Judith & Jim: SMART Dating: How to Attract
Only the People Who Are Right for YOU!

If you invest only one hour this year on your dating
and dating success, make it this one! It could seriously
change the course of your life!

Learn...

* How dating games defeat your goals for a solid
sincere love connection

* Why traditional dating is not in your best interest

(So what do you do instead?)

* How men and women lose their power to each
other in the dating scene

(Yes, that's so true.)

* Why contemporary dating must empower you
rather than what everyone learned growing up

* How to spot emotional resistance and know what
to do about it . . . so the negative blather that goes
on in your head doesn't run the way you date

* Why online dating is a great rehearsal ground for
a successful relationship

* And much, much more!

Hitting a home run? First you gotta get to first base.

This is a witty personal ad I found today on Craigslist...and within it, some of the best relationship advice I've ever found from a guy's perspective. In a guy's language. Baseball.

Strangely, though, contrary to all advice that tells us gals to "hold off and let 'em chase", I've had my longest, and most successful relationships (and marriage proposals) with men who practically hit a home run on the first date. (Yes, all of the bases....well almost.) Ridiculous, uncontrollable chemistry seems to lead to the most sustainable relationships in the long run. Yes, and avoiding any discussion of the M word. Just don't say it. Don't mention it. Play the game.


----

Seeking a long-time relationship from the get-go is like swinging for a homerun. Homeruns are errors by the pitcher. If the hitter hits in hard enough and with the right timing, the possibility of a homerun is very great. But to go up to bat with the intent of hitting a homerun only raises the possibility of a strikeout. Pitchers can feel this and know you will be swinging for the fences. You will strikeout more often than hit a homerun. You will only scare the guys away. Ergo, you can use this knowledge to turn away unwanted advances.

Seeking for a long-term relationship from the get-go is like this. There is no patience involved. LTR seekers are just as bad as the ones who want to get you into the sack on the first exchange. They want a long-term relationship on the first exchange. Hence all the ridiculous requirements. There is no compromise. There is no growth; only broken promises of impossible expectations.

The other categories are more amicable. They are like the real thing. The idea is to get on base and let your teammates do their part to bring you home. You try your best to get on base, first base first (consummate the relationship), then second base (move in together), third base (meet the parents, go on a vacation together), then probably all the way home, if your teammate (lover) gets a hit.

Now the casual encounters!!! These people want to get on base 100% of the time. And the only way to get on base 100% of the time is to get hit by a pitch. Which is okay if that's your game, but getting hit by a pitch hurts, and you cannot be making a career from this.

So stop swinging for the homeruns. Don't seek the long-term relationship without seeing the pitches. Chances are you will strikeout. Chances are you scare the guys away. Be patient. Know the pitches. Get on base. Rely on your teammates to bring you home. Don't be a one person team.

And, on the same dimension, let's face it sex has alot to do with compatibility, unless you have gobs of money and sex with your partner, or even your primary partner, is a duty more than a product of your passions. Do I have a witness??

Here's to Billy Beane and the Oakland Athletics, the best team for its money.

Is it polyamory -- or polyagony? (My response to the responses to "Single (again) during the holidays.

Are we evolving to a new, openly loving society? Or are we a culture full of shallow, self-centered pleasure seekers who don't want to do any of the difficult work it takes to maintain families and deep, committed relationships?

In theory, ideally, polyamory means you have the best of both worlds -- and multiple partners who are committed, adoring, present, helpful, and there for you in sickness and in health, during the fun times AND the downturns.

Awwww....wouldn't that be nice?

Polyamory, in my experience, and the experience of other friends who have agonizingly endured it, means instead of having two lovers remember you on Valentine's day, your birthday, Christmas--nobody remembers you on holidays.

Instead of having a lover to pick you up at the airport, you're taking a cab home alone.

Instead of being able to freely call whenever you want, or just pop by to visit, you're on a strict schedule and have to set appointments (lest you embarrassingly stumble in on a tryst.)

For the polyamorist in the driver's seat, it's all the fun with none of the commitment or responsibility.


Who's there when you get sick, when you need cheering up, when it's "that time of the month" or when it's time to move? The polyamorist is off having fun with someone who is having a good day-- and his menagerie of partners are stuck with a fair weather f*ckbuddy who only shows up when it's time to hook up and party.

Interestingly, since this was posted, "Bozo" has told me that "Mr. Poly" still sees many other partners on the side. When I see the twisted agony in her face as she says that, I can tell that her heart isn't into this sharing, and it still causes her a lot of pain. Would she dye her roots and dump this guy if she had better self esteem? Of course.

I now have moved from anger towards her to empathy. I was there in her shoes, and I remember how miserable I was.

I have now accepted that I was in a relationship with a sex addict who hid his addiction behind a groovy urban community that promotes and endorses "polyamory."

My own lack of self esteem (going back to early experiences in childhood) enabled me to put up with this and be a co-dependent to his addiction -- because the person I was then did not truly feel that I deserved deep love and caring.

Through the 5 years of growth I've gone through while writing this anonymous blog I've changed now. It was a journey, and I survived. Doormat? Moi?

It makes me absolutely sick now to hear other people beam at their public relationship performance art and say things like: "Oooooh! She's so good for him!" Well, yes, she is so good for him!

Excuse me, but when he takes her to a party, his typical behavior is to ditch her immediately and run off with someone else?

Excuse me, she continues to look the other way and call herself "polyamorous" while HE is the one who carries on with other people, while she is never seen dating anyone publicly but him?

Excuse me, but the two of them are never seen out unless they are going to a sensual or cuddle party when he can roam around and indulge himself in front of her while she winces and undoubtedly feels unworthy?

I call that tolerating a self-centered, narcissic cheater, if you ask me. Yes, she's "good" for him. (Loved hearing her post little Twitter feeds from his bedside while she was in the hospital nursing him to health after his surgery!)

This particular woman (and my ex) engage in this behavior in the name of 'polyamory' -- which is the new buzz word for having multiple simultaneous relationships.

My therapist says: "Oh, polyamory? In the old days, we called it "adultery." Just a new word for the age old act of dishonesty and cheating.

It's not polyamory if you're lying about it--it's cheating. Polyamory means "many loves" -- not "many f*cks." Some people call it "polyf*ckery."

If you're not showing up for the real work that it takes to be in an intimate relationship, or you're spread too thin with too many partners, then it's polyf*ckery -- which leads to polyagony. Which ultimately leads to polyangry.

In all of my 30+ years of relationships, they were almost always faithful and monogamous, until about 5 years ago when it seemed like the whole landscape tilted in favor of men and the polyf*ckery craze began.

(Coincidentally this is right about the time that those fabulous tools for cheating, online dating, online banking (no more receipts for the wife to find!), text messaging and cellphones, became so ubiquitious.)

Were we suddenly openhearted and loving everyone -- or is the polyf*ckery craze because we all now had web access, and cellphones and text messages and Craigslist and Online Bootycall and FWBs and NSAs and cheating suddenly became cheap, easy and technologically feasible?

Sorry, call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be a perpetually single woman with self esteem, ethics and values, than the new modern woman who "gets" to have a partner only because she's willing to swallow her pride, look the other way and tolerate a fair weather f*ckbuddy. A

Looking for a guy who can keep me warm and dry in the post peak oil financial meltdown

If things get really rough, I'm looking for a man who can help me stay warm and survive the rigors of a total economic collapse.

Geeks are out (unless they're handy with tools) as computer programming isn't going to be much needed in a meltdown.

Forget stockbrokers, fnancial managers, venture capitalists, accountants and bankers.

And real estate agents and mortgage brokers are going to be useless.

Born rich? Trust fund babies and people who are living off their investments and stock portfolios are freaking out now, because their finances are not "liquid" -- and many of these men have gotten soft and decadent, and have few real world skills to boot.

Massage therapists, yoga teachers and musicians are especially unappealing in times like this--unless you're looking to be rubbed, flexed and serenaded while the world crashes down around you.

Yeah baby, I want a man who can build me a bomb shelter in the apocalypse.

I want a man who can grow a Victory garden. Climb a coconut tree. And live off the land.

I want me a handy man.

A contractor, a plumber, a gardener, oh yeah. Auto mechanics are probably a good bet right now, as are doctors, EMTs, fire fighters and men who know how to get a generator running or -- or any man who is already self sufficient and living off the grid.

Cops, if that's your thing -- at least they'll always have a job.

Pot farmers -- hey, not a bad idea. They have a green thumb.

Guys, you'll probably want a woman who isn't afraid of spiders, not one of those high maintainence lipstick and heels girls -- or a gal with some real skills like a seamstress, chef or nurse.

And if a girl has been relying on hair dye, botox and Collagen for her good looks, you may be in for a rude awakening when all that chemical magic wears off and she starts to look like a pumpkin again.

What do you think? Are handy guys and practical girls suddenly hot?

Back to a time when life was simple

This is a very bizarre personal ad response I found on Craigslist. But hidden between the lines is the angst that seems to get communicated in the personals by men who feel unable in the current world to satisfy the archaic desire that women still have for a white picket fence, monogamy and family.

---------

I wish I could move. I would move backwards in time. Back to a time when life was simple. When The Beach Boys with Pendleton shirts sang songs about cars & girls. I want to live in the 50's. Back in the 50's, all housewives had those tattoos on their lower back! That being said....

Back when I was a kid, they didn't have stuff like synthetic oil. All that we had was old fashioned dinosaur juice, pop rocks, and 7-Up. Does having Brady Bunch & CHiPs flashbacks make me old? Sometimes it feels like I'm suffering Post Traumatic Stress from all that Disco.

The B&W TV era was an age of innocence, wasn't it? Didn't we all grow up with Leave It To Beaver? I loved how the Beaver could get into all kinds of mischief, and get out of it all, in 22 minutes with a few commercials thrown in. And who could forget how American Graffiti, Grease, and Happy Days painted a picture of the 50's that we all wish we could visit?

How I would love to live in a era where a man on a single income could afford a house, wife, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, & two cars in the driveway. What was gas back then? A nickel a gallon? Wasn't that back when "till death do us part" actually meant something? There was no divorce back then. You had to stick to your commitment, or commit suicide to get out of it.

Like other boys and girls, having negotiated through the minefields of dating and mating, I'm sure that both of us have a few battle scars. I've made it through all of my tours of duty, and came through seemingly unscathed. Guess what? No ex-wives, no ex-kids, no alimony, no child support, no divorce, no bankruptcy. I should get at least a Congressional Medal, if not a Purple Heart.

I'm now at the phase in my "career" where I don't come out of the corner swinging anymore. I'd rather jab away the first few rounds, measure my distance, develop my timing, get into my rhythm, and conserve my energy for the later rounds.
So now I'm just a regular boy, wearing Levi's & Pendletons, driving a big old pick-em-up truck, in a small city, with narrow streets & no parking. I'm still stuck with the kind of girls who show off their breast implants & lower back tattoos, with bare midriff tank tops & low cut jeans; and think that dancing on a speaker box at a nightclub can lead to bigger things in life - like being picked to dance in the cage suspended over the dance floor. I can only hope for and dream about those rich girls from Marin, who live on a trust fund, and want to save the world from hunger, war, malaria in third world countries, and the Republicans. Can you feel my pain?

No recession for online dating

Is it a coincidence, or are all of my formerly wild and crazy free loving girlfriends suddenly talking about being in monogamous relationships again? And even the wildest, craziest players among my male friends are suddenly pairing up with just one girl, or moving in together and getting married.

That's right--two incomes are better than one, and suddenly it's very chic to be paring up with someone practical and reliable.
After all, two can live cheaper than one, and dating is expensive.

According to this week's Time Magazine and the LA Times, the fast and freakish free fall of the economic recession has generated a sudden bull market for online dating.

Match.com reported its largest monthly membership growth in seven years in November, while Perfectmatch.com reported a 47% jump in membership over the past quarter.

If you feel lonely during the holidays - reach out to others

On Sunday, while I was dancing with my friends, one of my exe's exes broke down in tears in the corner of the room. Two people embraced her as she cried. I have no idea what she was upset about, but I have a feeling she is sad and lonely during the holidays. Perhaps. like many single women over 40s, she feels abandoned and unlovable.

So many of my friends, male and female, are breaking down in tears right now or feeling isolated and alone. The connection we seek isn't just with a partner or a lover -- its a connection we want with each other, will all of humanity, with community. Right now, I feel like many of us--the ones who are awake and not snuffing our our emotions with drugs and alcohol and distractions -- are feeling this collective pain, and it's starting to well up inside of us and pour out.

When I received this essay today, I realized I am not alone. Reach out to someone this week. Dance with them. Hold them. Give them an embrace. Send them a note or a card and remind them that you love them and that you care.

UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS: Icing OR Cake?

(author-unknown)

I should be really happy to be in charge of my life,
to live the way my heart calls me to. But I also feel emptiness now, in spite of the
seeming full, interesting and down right adventurous
life I lead. There is something missing, and this year
it has become painfully clear, not just for me but for
so many. I feel emptiness because I do not have a deep
and intimate personal relationship.

Victories and
adventures are dulled when there is no one home to
share them with. When I was finished, Connie said,
"Sounds like you have all the icing without the cake."

Now Connie has led a blessed life with very little
chaos, at least from my perspective. She married her
one and only, and still to this day glows from the
love they share. They have raised 3 sons together who
are all exceptional adults and delivered Connie, and
husband Pete, with a house full of beautiful
grandchildren. The respect they have for each other is
amazing and the glow of real deep intimacy shows.

Connie knows what cake is, and she works hard to keep
cake in her life.

And what stops us from having it all! Why do so many
on the spiritual path endure traumatic relationships
or have no relationship at all?

This conversation -- cake icing theory -- led me into
a whole process of thought over the next few weeks. I
looked at where I was not fulfilled and where my
extended family felt unfulfilled. I knew of some who
had lived the solitary life for many years were now
coming to a place where they were beginning to feel a
deep loneliness, and I had to ask myself why.

I looked
at the world in general and looked at how we try to
fill those empty spots inside of us. And I had to ask
why the empty spots seem to be getting larger, rather
than smaller, with our spiritual growth. Maybe this
has something to do with the Star Elders statement
this past March about this being the year of the
heart.

I began to see a pattern in various groups. First
there are those who crave the depth in life, but seem
to have an abundance of sweet icing. They want the
home, the intimate family and loving partner, the
garden in the back, and a kitty in the window still.
It isn't that they do not appreciate the icing, they
do, it's just the icing has no home base, no roots in
which to rest after a great adventure or victory. The
icing doesn't fulfill the spirit and these ones know
there is more to life than they have been getting.

Then there are the ones who would rather grab the easy
fix and go for the icing. They feel if they get the
new car, the big house, the perfect job, or Barbie
Doll girl friend or Prince Charming, that they will be
happy. Let's face it -- the new car will get
scratched, the house will have to be cleaned over and
over, and the job will become a boring routine once
again... and Barbie doesn't have a brain, and Prince
Charming never gets off his white horse. It's all
icing, very sweet upon first taste -- but it will make
us sick if we eat too much of it.

We run from fear
of being hurt and from the hard work it takes to bake
the cake that is the very foundation for the icing we
crave.

Then there is the really sad group who forgets there
is cake at all. They are like squirrels on a treadmill
going around and around working night and day to keep
the icing up high. These ones have no idea what they
are missing. They have only tasted icing and the cake
has eluded them completely. My question is, if you
never tasted the cake how do you know what you are
missing.... Maybe you don't.

Don Miguel Ruiz in his book "Mastery of Love" says
that we need to fulfill ourselves first before we can
fulfill ourselves in a relationship. I believe we need
to know ourselves to be able to draw in the right
person, BUT still in nature nothing exists without an
intimate connection with something else. We are part
of nature. Do you see anything under the sun that does
not need something else to survive?

We are not
autonomous beings, as much as we would like to be. Are
we using spiritual new-age concepts and teachings to
avoid intimacy? Are we using them to protect ourselves
from getting hurt? Are we using this kind of teachings
to build a wall in which to protect our wounded hearts
and to avoid possible future pain, instead of risking
and opening ourselves to God's magical gifts of Love?

Now don't get me wrong here, I love Marianne
Williamson and Don Miguel and other teachers like
them. Without a doubt they are opening us to look at
ourselves in new and expanded ways. These teachings
are profound yet they also seem to create a lot of
confusion about relationship -- relationship to
ourselves and each other. We are torn between living
in the idealism of spirit and the reality of being
human.

Christ said to go into the kingdom of heaven as a
little child. Children do not approach life with fear.
They don't worry that if they take their first steps
they will fall and hurt themselves.. . and when they do
fall, they feel it, get up, and go do it again and
again until they get it right. They live with wonder,
curiosity, and LOVE. Most of all their hearts are not
yet closed, their minds not programmed with limiting
concepts. They take life as it comes to them.

Do we? Have life's challenges closed us down? Have our
painful experiences made us jaded, cautious, and
overly discerning?

Icing needs
cake! Cake needs icing. And we need each other, so
let's quit pretending that we don't. Let's quit
twisted profound spiritual concepts to hide behind.
Let's quit professing everything is wonderful, when it
isn't. It is time to get real. It is time to feel the
heart not just speak about it. It is not codependent
to desire a deep relationship with another human being
to feel fulfilled! It being human, it is being real,
it is natural.

I began to think in deeper terms about relationship
and how it relates our planet. If we can't get real
with each other, how can we assume we can get it right
with humanity and manifest harmony!

We crave relationships and
community that will support us on our worst days and
that will be there to celebrate our victories.

One day all that we have owned, created, and done here
on this plane will pass away. It is a fact. All that
we will take with us is the love we shared, the
connectedness we have experienced with one another,
and the lessons we learned. This is the real stuff --
the stuff that makes life rich. It is the soft and
crumbling cake we need -- to gobble up every crumb
while it is still warm from the oven like it was the
last crumb and to lick the plate like a child when we
are done. We need deep and intimate connection with
others, and with God. What we crave most is eternal.

The Star Elders say this is the year of the Heart.
They didn't say it would be easy. Opening the heart
and living with love takes work.

We are all working together -- to deny
this fact is to deny nature itself. I am beginning to
see that the days of the spiritual hermit, the lone
seeker are over. We have all done the hermit thing. We
have fasted on the mountaintops and we have gone to
the desert. We have isolated ourselves from each other
because of hurt and trauma. We have learned who we
are.

Maybe the loneliness many are beginning to feel is a
universal push to bring us together once again. First
a partner, then community, country, and planet.

The Maya have a saying, "In Lak'ech - A La Kin". It
means, I am you and you are me. It reminds me we are
simply wanting to re-connect the other parts of
ourselves. It is time to recognize that we need each
other to create our dream and to feel fulfilled,
because we are a part of each other. In fact we have
never been separate. It has been the greatest
illusion.

I don't have any more answers than when I began this
quest for understanding relationship. In fact I seem
to have more questions. I have shared many things I
have been feeling. Sometimes it scares me to do this,
but I try with all my heart to live open and be
vulnerable.

I know things are changing and we are not
really sure how things are going to end up. All we
know is what we have been doing is not working anymore
and we are all looking for the answers, the new path.
But the one thing I am sure of it that the answers can
only come from our open hearts.