Tuesday, December 30, 2008

No recession for online dating

Is it a coincidence, or are all of my formerly wild and crazy free loving girlfriends suddenly talking about being in monogamous relationships again? And even the wildest, craziest players among my male friends are suddenly pairing up with just one girl, or moving in together and getting married.

That's right--two incomes are better than one, and suddenly it's very chic to be paring up with someone practical and reliable.
After all, two can live cheaper than one, and dating is expensive.

According to this week's Time Magazine and the LA Times, the fast and freakish free fall of the economic recession has generated a sudden bull market for online dating.

Match.com reported its largest monthly membership growth in seven years in November, while Perfectmatch.com reported a 47% jump in membership over the past quarter.

Monday, December 22, 2008

If you feel lonely during the holidays - reach out to others

On Sunday, while I was dancing with my friends, one of my exe's exes broke down in tears in the corner of the room. Two people embraced her as she cried. I have no idea what she was upset about, but I have a feeling she is sad and lonely during the holidays. Perhaps. like many single women over 40s, she feels abandoned and unlovable.

So many of my friends, male and female, are breaking down in tears right now or feeling isolated and alone. The connection we seek isn't just with a partner or a lover -- its a connection we want with each other, will all of humanity, with community. Right now, I feel like many of us--the ones who are awake and not snuffing our our emotions with drugs and alcohol and distractions -- are feeling this collective pain, and it's starting to well up inside of us and pour out.

When I received this essay today, I realized I am not alone. Reach out to someone this week. Dance with them. Hold them. Give them an embrace. Send them a note or a card and remind them that you love them and that you care.



I should be really happy to be in charge of my life,
to live the way my heart calls me to. But I also feel emptiness now, in spite of the
seeming full, interesting and down right adventurous
life I lead. There is something missing, and this year
it has become painfully clear, not just for me but for
so many. I feel emptiness because I do not have a deep
and intimate personal relationship.

Victories and
adventures are dulled when there is no one home to
share them with. When I was finished, Connie said,
"Sounds like you have all the icing without the cake."

Now Connie has led a blessed life with very little
chaos, at least from my perspective. She married her
one and only, and still to this day glows from the
love they share. They have raised 3 sons together who
are all exceptional adults and delivered Connie, and
husband Pete, with a house full of beautiful
grandchildren. The respect they have for each other is
amazing and the glow of real deep intimacy shows.

Connie knows what cake is, and she works hard to keep
cake in her life.

And what stops us from having it all! Why do so many
on the spiritual path endure traumatic relationships
or have no relationship at all?

This conversation -- cake icing theory -- led me into
a whole process of thought over the next few weeks. I
looked at where I was not fulfilled and where my
extended family felt unfulfilled. I knew of some who
had lived the solitary life for many years were now
coming to a place where they were beginning to feel a
deep loneliness, and I had to ask myself why.

I looked
at the world in general and looked at how we try to
fill those empty spots inside of us. And I had to ask
why the empty spots seem to be getting larger, rather
than smaller, with our spiritual growth
. Maybe this
has something to do with the Star Elders statement
this past March about this being the year of the

I began to see a pattern in various groups. First
there are those who crave the depth in life, but seem
to have an abundance of sweet icing. They want the
home, the intimate family and loving partner, the
garden in the back, and a kitty in the window still.
It isn't that they do not appreciate the icing, they
do, it's just the icing has no home base, no roots in
which to rest after a great adventure or victory. The
icing doesn't fulfill the spirit and these ones know
there is more to life than they have been getting.

Then there are the ones who would rather grab the easy
fix and go for the icing. They feel if they get the
new car, the big house, the perfect job, or Barbie
Doll girl friend or Prince Charming, that they will be
happy. Let's face it -- the new car will get
scratched, the house will have to be cleaned over and
over, and the job will become a boring routine once
again... and Barbie doesn't have a brain, and Prince
Charming never gets off his white horse. It's all
icing, very sweet upon first taste -- but it will make
us sick if we eat too much of it.

We run from fear
of being hurt and from the hard work it takes to bake
the cake that is the very foundation for the icing we

Then there is the really sad group who forgets there
is cake at all. They are like squirrels on a treadmill
going around and around working night and day to keep
the icing up high. These ones have no idea what they
are missing. They have only tasted icing and the cake
has eluded them completely. My question is, if you
never tasted the cake how do you know what you are
missing.... Maybe you don't.

Don Miguel Ruiz in his book "Mastery of Love" says
that we need to fulfill ourselves first before we can
fulfill ourselves in a relationship. I believe we need
to know ourselves to be able to draw in the right
person, BUT still in nature nothing exists without an
intimate connection with something else. We are part
of nature. Do you see anything under the sun that does
not need something else to survive?

We are not
autonomous beings, as much as we would like to be. Are
we using spiritual new-age concepts and teachings to
avoid intimacy? Are we using them to protect ourselves
from getting hurt? Are we using this kind of teachings
to build a wall in which to protect our wounded hearts
and to avoid possible future pain, instead of risking
and opening ourselves to God's magical gifts of Love?

Now don't get me wrong here, I love Marianne
Williamson and Don Miguel and other teachers like
them. Without a doubt they are opening us to look at
ourselves in new and expanded ways. These teachings
are profound yet they also seem to create a lot of
confusion about relationship -- relationship to
ourselves and each other. We are torn between living
in the idealism of spirit and the reality of being

Christ said to go into the kingdom of heaven as a
little child. Children do not approach life with fear.
They don't worry that if they take their first steps
they will fall and hurt themselves.. . and when they do
fall, they feel it, get up, and go do it again and
again until they get it right. They live with wonder,
curiosity, and LOVE. Most of all their hearts are not
yet closed, their minds not programmed with limiting
concepts. They take life as it comes to them.

Do we? Have life's challenges closed us down? Have our
painful experiences made us jaded, cautious, and
overly discerning?

Icing needs
cake! Cake needs icing. And we need each other, so
let's quit pretending that we don't. Let's quit
twisted profound spiritual concepts to hide behind.
Let's quit professing everything is wonderful, when it
isn't. It is time to get real. It is time to feel the
heart not just speak about it. It is not codependent
to desire a deep relationship with another human being
to feel fulfilled!
It being human, it is being real,
it is natural.

I began to think in deeper terms about relationship
and how it relates our planet. If we can't get real
with each other, how can we assume we can get it right
with humanity and manifest harmony!

We crave relationships and
community that will support us on our worst days and
that will be there to celebrate our victories.

One day all that we have owned, created, and done here
on this plane will pass away. It is a fact. All that
we will take with us is the love we shared, the
connectedness we have experienced with one another,
and the lessons we learned. This is the real stuff --
the stuff that makes life rich. It is the soft and
crumbling cake we need -- to gobble up every crumb
while it is still warm from the oven like it was the
last crumb and to lick the plate like a child when we
are done. We need deep and intimate connection with
others, and with God. What we crave most is eternal.

The Star Elders say this is the year of the Heart.
They didn't say it would be easy. Opening the heart
and living with love takes work.

We are all working together -- to deny
this fact is to deny nature itself. I am beginning to
see that the days of the spiritual hermit, the lone
seeker are over. We have all done the hermit thing. We
have fasted on the mountaintops and we have gone to
the desert. We have isolated ourselves from each other
because of hurt and trauma. We have learned who we

Maybe the loneliness many are beginning to feel is a
universal push to bring us together once again.
a partner, then community, country, and planet.

The Maya have a saying, "In Lak'ech - A La Kin". It
means, I am you and you are me. It reminds me we are
simply wanting to re-connect the other parts of
ourselves. It is time to recognize that we need each
other to create our dream and to feel fulfilled,
because we are a part of each other. In fact we have
never been separate. It has been the greatest

I don't have any more answers than when I began this
quest for understanding relationship. In fact I seem
to have more questions. I have shared many things I
have been feeling. Sometimes it scares me to do this,
but I try with all my heart to live open and be

I know things are changing and we are not
really sure how things are going to end up. All we
know is what we have been doing is not working anymore
and we are all looking for the answers, the new path
But the one thing I am sure of it that the answers can
only come from our open hearts.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Single (again) during the holidays.

Sunday, my girlfriend broke down in tears in the middle of a dance. It's been a rough time for her -- her grandparents just passed away, she has the same economic struggles we're all facing, and her boyfriend seems kind of indifferent to her emotional turmoil. She wanted to be held, supported, you know -- cuddled. So she dragged me to a brunch party hosted by Reid, the suddenly famous host of the Cuddle Party.

Even though a cuddle brunch seems innocuous enough, I had a bad feeling in my gut about it, but I wanted her to feel better, so we picked up some eggs and went there.

We left our shoes in the hall of a small but beautifully decorated classic San Francisco flat, and Reid, who has shaggy blonde hair, was much cuter and, well -- huggable -- that I possibly expected, welcomed us with, of course, a fabulous warm hug and a big beaming smile. He was wearing printed flannel pajamas, though it was at least 3 in the afternoon. (Reid always wears PJs -- that's the de rigeur attire for the Cuddle Party.) I was starting to cheer up. But still, that vague "this is not right feeling" was stalking me.

When we walked into the kitchen I knew why: there was my ex -- and the (boo, hiss!) woman who snagged him away. I'll call her Bozo Hair, to protect her identity. She's a frumpy middle aged woman with this enormous pouf of frizzy hair dyed Ronald Mc Donald Red. Ok, Bozo the Clown Red. It is not a color of hair that exists in nature, even if you're Celtic. Contrasting the frizz of hair (in which, as usual, there were about an inch of gray roots showing), she was wearing one of her typically unflattering, loud, garish neo Goddess outfits -- a pair of widelegged printed purple hipster yoga pants that shouldn't even be manufactured in her size. (Some people do not have a licence to wear stretch pants.) It looked like they had both been out partying all night and rolled in still awake and wearing whatever they had on the night before. He had deep dark circles under his eyes, and they both looked kind of gray. Ex put on a show keeping himself busy fetching heaping plates of food to feed Bozo, which she scarfed up nervously. It was like watching someone fatten up a calf for slaughter.

Bitter? Moi? Nine months have passed. I recovered, therapized, workshopped and soothed myself into a wiser woman with higher self esteem. I tossed out every card and gift he ever gave me. (Except the vibrating razor. It's a wierd narcissic gift, but my legs have never been smoother.) I abandoned my communities and avoided every possible party where I might run into him. But once in a while, I run into THEM -- and in Eckart Tolle's words, it retriggers the "pain body" of grief.

So here's my worst nightmare, right? Him with HER (boo, hiss!) in a VERY small cuddle party! Yikes.

I looked around. The flat was cramped. There was no possible place for cuddling to happen except the bedroom. This was not looking promising.

I pulled my girlfriend aside and whispered, urgently:

"Get me out of here!"

"Let's eat first, I'm starved," she said.

There was one seat available -- of course, the one directly across from "them." Bozo made an awkward attempt to be polite (she always has this nonchalant touchy feely attitude of: "Why won't you be friends with me? We're all just one big polyamorous happy family, why can't we love one another, blah blah blah, San Francisco New Age Double Speak.)

The fact is, she "got" him for only one reason: She was willing to stalk a partnered man, she knew he was a cheater, and she was willing to tolerate it. I asked for respect, honesty, transparency and commitment. He didn't give it to me either, so I left, with my self respect intact.

She continues to look the other way. He continues to "pretend" to be her boyfriend while he continued to chase me for months and still blatantly sees others on the side -- business as usual, nothing changed. Maybe it works for them.

We scrambled some eggs, ate nervously, made some polite small talk, hugged everybody (except you know who!) and scrambled out nf there.

It was the latest in a string of "he's a cheater" experiences in my dating life.

Is the Internet and all of our high tech toys (like instant messaging and cellphones) to blame for what seems to continue steamrolling into a total erosion of traditional values in our culture?

Or is it just me? Am old fashioned and out of step in this new age of "polyamory" and NSAs and FWBS and "hook ups" -- and just not getting with it?

It just feels like an avalanche of cheating, dishonesty and two-timing is falling all around me, and I sit here in the midst of it, wanting just one simple thing: Someone to hold, to trust, to love, to unwrap gifts with, to share the warmth with. And I wonder why something so basic, so human, so simple to ask continues to elude me?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Ten rules for dating in the zombie apocalypse

If the end of the world is coming, better find a hammer--and don't make the first move.

Stumbled on this in PinkRaygun.

As the worldwide zombie uprising continues and worsens, we should stop for a moment to consider how this will effect our dating lives. Unless you have mad mixed martial arts skills, you’re not going to make it on your own, no matter how Mary Tyler Moore you think you are, and will have to revise your ideas on dating. To this end, Pink Raygun has developed 10 Rules for Dating in the Zombie Apocalypse.

1. Lower your standards - Dates will be hard to find. “Breathing” should be your top priority. “Teeth” should be optional.

2. Cultivate plumpness - If you look well fed, it means you’re near a food source. A steady supply of food is attractive.

3. Carry a hammer - A hammer can be used as a building tool, a food preparation tool and a self-defense tool. It will be the new must-have accessory, so set yourself apart by bedazzling your hammer. A bedazzled hammer says “I’m practical and trendy!” Extra points for preparedness if you name your hammer. “Mjolnir” and “Smashy” are great names and show your date that you appreciate your hardware.

4. Don’t make the first move - Its easy to mistake a newly dead guy for a guy with no social skills or coordination. Let him make the first move, so you know he fulfills the “breathing” requirement.

5. If his first move is to bite you, whack him with your bedazzled hammer.

6. Don’t meet him halfway - When it’s time for that magical date, you’ll only increase your chances of getting nabbed by a zombie as you try to cover ground. Make him pick you up at the door.

7. Don’t talk too much - You’ll only give away your hiding place and draw more zombies to your location.

8. Learn to love poor hygiene - Body odor, haggard looks and missing teeth help a guy (or girl) blend in with the zombie landscape and helps prevent attacks, thus ensuring your continued safety.

9. Let him take the lead - That way, he’ll take the brunt of the zombie attack.

10. Be kind to zombies - You don’t want to thin out the zombie dating pool too much because one day, you’ll be a zombie, too. You may miss out on “Mister Right,” but you’re almost guaranteed to find “Mr. Bite.”

Dating RIP? NY Times says now it's just hooking up.

This week, the New York Times posted an obituary to dating, (well an opinon piece) called: "The Demise of Dating." I think Mr. Blow (what an unfortunate name for someone writing an essay about hookups!) is definitely on to a trend that is not just sweeping teens and the Generation Y, but has pretty much infected our relationships ever since the dawn of the Craigslist hook up ad.


The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.

(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)

According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.

When I first heard about hooking up years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.

I should point out that just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research).

To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.”

It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.

I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.

It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Now that’s sad.

E-mail chblow@nytimes.com

Have you Googled your date yet?

In the old days, when we met "In the real world", at church or school or in community, it was easy to tell if your date had a "reputation" or was a cad -- the word would be on the street. But in the anonymous world of Internet dating, when we're meeting someone from a different sphere, across town or maybe another state, you get "Googled."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Oldest online dating cliche in the book

Ok, anyone who has been reading this blog knows I am not a big fan of online dating. But after relentlessly getting spammed by Chemistry.com, I decided to give this service a try. Immediately I got 29 messages from "Men who want to meet me."

Here are a sampling of the tepid personal ad cliches that have arrived in my in box so far. I wish these guys would say something halfway original so I have some sort of clue as to who the human being behind the cliche might be. With generic names like "Ralph" and "Bill" and these deadly dull headlines, I really don't have much to go on.

By the way, I am not making this up. These are real, authentic responses to my personal ad. Aaaaack!

Who would you click on?

Looking for you

The one you've been waiting for!

Adventure Awaits

Total intimacy

“Cold hands, warm heart”

Looking for a connection

Passion and Adventure

WORLD'S GREATEST GUY (The whole letter is written in ALL CAPS and I imagine a guy who shouts a lot.)

Me Tarzan, You Jane

Sincere, Compassionate, and Sensitive Man

Nicest guy you will ever meet

Have broom. Ready to sweep. (You. Off your feet.) <<---ok, this one is at least kind of clever. In a "groooooan" knock knok joke kind of way.

And...drum roll please....

Your search is over!

Aaaaaaaagh! Delete, delete! And I'm supposed to pay money for this?

Here's a blogger's advice on tired dating cliches to avoid.


Holding hands while walking on the beach in the sunset, anybody?

Friday, December 12, 2008

The new Web 2.0 way to humiliate your ex and get revenge

Now on Breakkup.com, you can expose that jerk (or jerkette) for the world to see, and the community will evicerate him/her on line -- sort of a modern version of the public gallows.

I found this today on Thrillist.com:

"When suffering through the throes of relationship trouble...get intimate advice from people you don't even know, with Breakkup.

A Digg-styled community dedicated to exploring relationship issues, BKU lets users post predicaments to a "Latest Drama" page, where community members vote on whether to Break Up or Chill Out, as well as leave specific comments, with the most pathetic active posts being slapped up on the homepage.

In the event you have no stones, the site's augmented by a Breakup Assistant. Submit a name, address, and grievances, and personal assistants will send your formerly-loved one a letter ranging in tone from You Really Hurt My Feelings to Don't Ever Talk To Me Again."

There are communities for online dating. So it only makes sense that there would be communities for breaking up. Could divorce networks be next?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Case of the Disappearing Man-vanished without a trace

Image courtesy of http://www.menaredogs.com

Want to see a man disappear? It's easy. Just date him for a few weeks. It's happened to me, too. Things were rolling right along, we'd been dating for a few months. He took me out for my birthday to a nice French restaurant. We were going to parties together as a couple. It wasn't perfect, but it was nice enough. But then, suddenly. Nothing. Not a word. I call, asking "Hey, what happened?" No reply. It's like he's dead. And I'm thinking: How incredibly rude. How incredibly spineless. How incredibly...typical.

Well, I'm not alone. And here, in the bowels of Craigslist, are guys fessing up the unpleasant truth of the Disappearing Man Act.

Ok, this will be the same dating saga that women everwhere hash out on girls-night-out. Over and Over and Over! But I have yet to hear a guys explaination... let alone advice on how to handle it.

Guys.. help me out!

Here's the skinny:

--We met online, wrote and talked on the phone for 3 weeks.
--We seemed to have all the same wants, needs, likes, values, situations...etc.
--We met and had three AMAZING dates! We talked about everything, he said all the right things, was very attentive, warm and affectionate.
--We had sex on date three (amazing, yummy sex!)
--He spent the next three weeks texting me, calling me, coming to see me. He told me he was crazy about me, that he missed me, that I made him smile, that he couldn't wait to see me. He made me believe that he meant it too!


Just when I start to let my heart open up and believe all the wonderful feelings were real... he falls off the face of the earth! No text messages, no phone calls, the "sorry baby, I've been busy, I'll call you soon" excuse... but still no call.

I am so hurt! And I feel like such a sap!

I understand that everything happened fast for us. And I too have fears and reservations to work through.

But, why is it so incredibly hard for a man to just simply call and say:
1. I'm suddenly having some reservations that I need to think about
2. I'm suddenly feeling unsure
3. I feel that we moved too fast, can we slow down
4. I'm suddenly aware that I'm gay

hell... even
5. "I'm suddenly aware that you repulse me" would be better than the silence!!!

This is so unfair!
Why is it ok for men to act as if they are falling in love, and then dissapear?
Is it just a fact that men spout out all the best lies knowing full well that they will bolt in a few weeks? Are they even aware that they do this???
Common guys... you KNOW you have! Would you be upset if women did this to you?

But here's what I need to know...

What do I say to him if he calls?
What could I have done to avoid this in the first place?
From talking to my friends, this 'withdraw period' happens to all guys, every time. Is that true?
Do men actually take some time away, think about it, decide they miss us, and then come back and expect nothing has changed?

Right now I would love to write him a seething letter outlining all the reasons I was falling for him... and how this one thing has ruined my trust in him (and in men!)

My guy friends tell me that I should just move on and if he misses me, he'll come back. Why the HELL should I take back someone who can turn his feelings on and off like a bic lighter?

But, on the remote chance that I start to really miss him... does anyone have any advice for me?

Thank you!

Location: Dating Hell

This is the oldest trick in the book, and sorry it happened to you. You got used for sex, plain and simple. Men will say anything to get laid. He never wanted anything more with you than a few rolls in the hay for a little while. Once you said you wanted more, he was outta there.

First off, if the guy you are referring to is me, "I am sorry" although i can't remember any girls that made me wait till date THREE.

This guy is playing the on-line world and living by the philosophy of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

When you 2 first started talking he probably had 3-4 other girls he was working on at the same time and probably one that he felt a better connection with. Now he likes you and isn't sure about the other girl so he doesn't want to dump you but thinks he should keep you on the hook just in case.

What do you do? Well, if he is playing cold right now you could tell him how you feel and force him to make the choice of either dumping you or forgetting about the other girl(s) but more than likely you won't enjoy the outcome. Even if he does choose you he will more than likely stray, because he thinks he can get better.

Do not take this personally. It isn't really anything about you, it's more about him and his inability to commit. I know sounds like bullshit, but think about this. Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her. Jennifer Aniston can't seem to keep a guy, and neither can Carrie Underwood. The only thing that you are doing wrong is probably going for this alpha male type that is always on the prowl.

BTW i typically get dumped by girls 2-3 weeks after playing phone tag because i rarely have the balls to tell a girl to her face I am done with her so I try and hide until she gets the message.

Advise is MOVE ON -- and give me a call. I can wait 3 dates as long as they are all on the same week.

I sympathize with you over your loss. These are my thoughts:

You can understand men better if you STOP.
Your questions come from a failure to recognize that men aren't like women. Of course you and your girlfriends ask each other these questions all the time!

STOP. Understand that men are different from women. Very different! Don't expect them to act like you would, or like your girlfriends would.

As one example, let's see how men and women are different when they see something, like a snake. A woman's reaction is usually to be afraid, perhaps
scream, maybe wave her hands back and forth about shoulder high. A man's reaction is usually to back up, watch the snake in fascination, perhaps look for a stick to poke it or kill it. Different reactions.

For many men, maybe even most men, intimacy is a fearful thing, like that snake is to a woman. They don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's painful for them, by the way, because they know they had something good and are at a loss to understand why it scares them. It's also painful because they know they are hurting the woman and don't know how to handle it.

You might say that all they have to do is call her and at least tell her what's going on, or how they feel. Simple. And they might say to a woman who fears a snake, all you have to do is walk around it, or find a stick and poke it. Simple.

It ain't easy being afraid of intimacy. Try to understand us, we will try to understand you, and remember this: Mother Nature made us to procreate, and not necessarily to have intimate, lasting relationships.

He's dead.

The detectives will be at your door soon.

Be prepared to go downtown.

You may want to get an attorney.

Good luck.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Animals don't fall in love? According to Joe Quirk, love is only for penguins, and monogamy is non existent.

Move over Mars and Venus. Joe Quirk, is poised to become the hilarious George Carlin of Science, with his new San Francisco Chronicle bestseller IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S BIOLOGY: THE SCIENCE OF LOVE, SEX, AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Who falls in love in the animal kingdom? Only penquins and humans go for it. Monogamy is virtually non existent in the animal kingdom. You'll be loaded with enough pithy facts to hold court at a cocktail party after you read this book.

It's a funny look at the science of why men and women act the way they do.

For a sneak peek, check out this very funny video on You Tube:


Catch him live:

November 6, 3 p.m.
October 29, Noon
Foothill College
Student Lounge/Campus Center
Foothill College
12345 El Monte Road, Los Altos Hills. (650) 949-7777.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

How do you make love stay?

I was looking into a HAI workshop today and found this
list of "How to Make Love Stay" guidelines on Chip
August's blog.

Then I was reminded of Tom Robbin's
quote about how to make love stay in one of my
favorite books, "Still Life With Woodpecker." I'm
sharing both with you here.

I am finally realizing that love isn't something you find--
love is something you make. A relationship isn't
something you discover -- it is a co-creation. A co-
creation that like any other magnificent work of art or beauty
requires dedication, teamwork, risk and hard work.

This discovery is a major "ah hah" for me.


Ten Promises That Invite Love To Stay, by Chip August

1) I promise to listen to you.

2) I promise to tell you the truth, saying both
the hard stuff and the easy stuff.

3) I promise to always make time for us.

4) I promise to choose being in love over being

5) I promise to always look for the joy in our

6) I promise to do all I can to have my passion
for you grow.

7) Talking to each other is very important to
our relationship.

8) Loving, intimate touch is more important than

9) I choose to love you, and if I forget,

10) I promise to choose to love you again.

How to make love stay.

by Tom Robbins:

Who knows how to make love stay?

Tell love you are going to the Junior's Deli on
Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake,
and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.

Tell love you want a memento of it and obtain a lock
of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense
burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face
southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a
convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the
burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your
face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will

Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the
world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee
out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that
everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love
will be there in the morning.”

More from Tom Robbins:

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover,
instead of creating the perfect love.”

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't
adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to
sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor
and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That
would mean that security is out of the question. The
words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love
for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

“When two people meet and fall in love, there's
a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally
present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic
without striving to make any more. One day we wake up
and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it
back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it
up. What we have to do is work like hell at making
additional magic right from the start. It's hard work,
but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve
our chances of making love stay.”

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching
for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years
or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're
still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up
with somebody more promising. This can go on and
on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a
partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we,
each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment.
Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe
otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to
program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Monday, March 17, 2008

Tantric Engineer Available for all Your InHouse Chakra Re-Wiring Needs!

I swear this is a real Craigslist ad. Posted in Marin County, California of course.

Ever wonder about what it would be like to have a really hot (or really cool if you prefer!) Boyfriend that was a fully trained and certified Tantric Electrical Engineer Expert?

Well, you can find out tonight (or even sooner!), if you're brave enough and willing to open up your Wholey Shakric Field Systems spontaneously to Eco-static Advanced Enlightenment!

I was a Substitute Teacher of Eco-static Advanced Enlightenment Wholey Shakric Field Systems Tantric Engineering at Karmic Sutures for 5 years in Portland, Oregon, until I got laid off about two years ago. I have since relocated to the Bay area, and I haven't been practicing much but like they say, it's pretty much like riding a bicycle.

I would like to find a willing, able, and available partner, not too tall and not too short, not too thin and not too fat, not too dumb and not too smart, to help me bring back the level of Serio-Sexological Mastery that I once enjoyed when I was teaching and practicing every morning. (And at mid-day, and most afternoons, and right before washing up the dinner dishes, and before bed, of course, and at 2:35am also~~on weekends the practice was a little more intense and demanding so we ate off paper plates.)

Would you like to learn to ride perfect Tantric Glassy Totally Tubular Waves of ECo-stacy and finally find out for yourself what it's like to feel the Energy of the entire Universe Pulsating into your Divine Navel and charging through your Wholey Pelvic Basin and Beyond? (Have you ever seen your toes actually glow bright neon orange, post coitally? That is very common among advanced Karmic Suture Eco-stacy Experts!)

Luckily for you, I'm not in a committed relationship right now so you might want to jump like a bunny rabbit on steroids at this once-in-20-lifetimes opportunity!

(I am pretty adept at 59 of the 108 Holy Moist Eco-static Positions but never did quite get the hang of the "Divine Split Double Backwards Butterfly Falling Into The Void Space While Spitting Into The Great Wide Eye." (No. 60) I can teach you the first 59 though, and maybe we can figure out the rest just by reading the manual together and fooling around. Could you bring a booklite over with you, please?)

Be sure to mention in your response whether you are "male" "female" or "decline to state"? I'd vastly prefer female, but when we close our Worldly Eyes, and truly fall into the great Supreme Ravine of Truncated Fully Exquisated Bliss and Unified Mind Field Matter Minus All Dualities of the Supreme Pleididactic Heavenly Holy Grail InfraGalactic Eco-Static Empire, I can assure you, at that point you won't remember which sex you are, or where you even went to high school! (Just be sure to bring a toothbrush!)

In preparation for our Cosmic Eco-stacy, we will braid our pubic hairs together so our bonding will be stablized and secure during the more vigorous postures, so if you are heavily trimmed down there these techniques may not be appropriate for your current primal eco-static needs. (Traditionally, each partner was actually surgically stitched to one other but this now is considered cruel and unnecessary enlightenment by most highly respected Karmic Suture Eco-static Experts in the Field.) So let it grow out a little and call me back!

We will subsist primarily on wheat grass, ham hocks, Peppermint Patties, and Dr.Bronner's Bouillon Cubes during the length and depth of our more serious practice sessions, and you may also eat small amounts of Sea's candy, and chew Bubblicious chewing gum if you like. (Don't forget to bring your favorite breath mints too, please.)

I'll be in deep Cosmic you-know-what till I hear from you and am looking forward to your eager, willing, and divine participation. (Maybe this coming Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday??)

Sex, especially when it's Tantric, is pretty darn good entertainment when you do it correctly, and many Karmic Suture Practitioners find that their TV watching is greatly reduced within two or three days of beginning their serio-ecostatic-oasisial Initiatory practice. Plus, you'll save a lot of money at Ross's! (Could you bring some shampoo over too? Something organic? Maybe tea tree? Thanks!)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Seven Habits Of Highly Dramatic People

Relationship counselor Scott Kalchenstein wrote this essay and sent it out today in his newsletter. It's his playful and provocative parody of The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People. It could create a whole new category at bookstores, a Self-Helplessness section. (This isn't actually original -- there are 2600 hits for "Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People" in Google - and a book has already been written with this title.)

But I like the way that turning this idea on it's head helps me see how my own negativity, self doubt, anxiety, fear and blame just backfires and destroys all of my relationships, most importantly the one with myself.

This year, on Valentine's Day, I decided to love myself and be my own Valentine. Thinking in a positive way is just the first step in exercising good self love. After all, if you don't have positive thoughts about yourself, who else will?

You can contact view Scott's website here.

The Seven Habits Of Highly Dramatic People

By Scott Kalechstein

Do gratitude, contentment, and inner peace sometimes creep up on you and undermine your ability to indulge your anxiety?

Here's a quick and handy two-step process to make sure you get your M.D.R. (minimum daily requirements) of worry and chaos.

1. Believe and act like your safety, security, and happiness are dependent on people and forces outside of you that you can't control.

2. Try to control them.

For those of you who prefer to keep it complex, here are seven habits to develop that will help you go deeper into your practice and guarantee a daily overdose of adrenaline. Allow me to be your drama director as we shout out the traditional opening words… "Lights! Camera!! RE-ACTION!!!

#1. Harness The Power Of Negative Thinking - Everybody accentuates the negative on occasion. What if I can't pay my bills? What if I lose my house? What if I get sick? What if I'm alone for life? What if I'm in this relationship for life? But as your drama coach, I want to inspire you to master 'The Secret' by focusing all of your attention on the most negative possible outcomes all of the time. When this discipline has been achieved, you can relax into the certainty that you will always find something to freak out about in any situation, and fear will never abandon you again.

#2. Be Busy Till You're Dizzy
- Being too busy to still your mind and take good care of your body is essential on the path to drama-realization. Temptation is everywhere these days - health food stores, spas, gyms, yoga studios, meditation classes, and it takes courage to maintain abstinence while the whole world is stretching, sweating, chanting, and going organic. Remember, as our parents tried to warn us, engaging in meditation can lead to blindness, losing sight of all the things right in front of you to worry about. So wake up every morning painfully early, splash cold water on your face, brew up your caffeine, and go, speed racer, go! Have you answered all your emails? Who needs a shoulder to lean on? Is there something on TV? Always make sure your life and your mind are filled with clutter and free of those annoying empty spaces between your thoughts that can disturb your absence of peace.

#3. Have A Swinging Good Time - In the 60's and 70's, a swinger was a person who relieved the monotony of monogamy by attending a variety of extra-curricular relationships. Nowadays, the term swingers has broadened, and is often used to refer to drama majors when they are found swinging like a pendulum from one extreme to another, churning with the thrill of constant crises, skillfully sidestepping the boredom of emotional stability. Would you like to be able to create, at the snap your fingers, a soap opera drenched in drama anytime you want? All you need to do is to stuff your feelings till you can't hold them in any longer, and then explode without restraint or care for anyone, especially the ones you care most about. As a practice, try being 100% nice and sweet. Stretch yourself to accommodate someone as much and as long as you can, and then take the lid off and let the steam out, like Mt. Saint Helens does once in a while. There is nothing as satisfying as having a good eruption after being good and silent for a spell.

#4. Leave Your Inner Child Alone Without Parental Guidance - When the child inside the adult gets scared, some really juicy drama can happen, but only if we withhold our compassion, re-assurance, and loving boundaries. When we can resist such mushy self-help nonsense, our inner children will wreak havoc trying to get those things from others, usually through some very exciting acting out in the drama department. When two or more people abandon their little kids at the same time, oh boy, that's when the fun begins. The adults have left the vehicle, and you can guess who's in the front seat, banging on the horn, flooding the accelerator, yelling out the window, and playing extreme bumper cars. Yippee!

#5. Set Huge Goals, Maintain Unrealistic Expectations
-There is nothing more beneficial to your lifestyle than the habit of reaching for the stars, falling short of your lofty goals, and feeling like a colossal failure. Taking big leaps and falling flat on your face is paramount for maintaining healthy low self-esteem, which is the foundation of all good drama. Go for the mountaintop, and don't look down at your feet on your way. One step at a time is for people satisfied with proceeding at a snail's pace, always leaving behind a slime trail of serenity, gentleness, balance, and other dismal downers that drama kings and queens take royal pains to avoid. You can do better than that!

#6. Judge Your Judgments - Every human being judges, but only the ones who have learned the art of judging their own judgments excel in creating melodrama. Have you ever been known to shame and blame yourself for feeling afraid and stuck, telling yourself that there is something really wrong with you for not moving forward? Good! You are on the right track. Now, take your next step. Judge your judgments! Tell yourself that you should know better than to shame and blame yourself. Heap truckloads of guilt on yourself for stooping so low to the curb of self-criticism, yet again. This will make you quite an energetic downer that can't help but suck energy from those around you. You'll be the lifelessness of the party!

#7. Get Grounded In The 3 B's...Blame, Blame, & Blame! -
Blaming yourself has already been covered. But don't rest there. Blame everyone else too. Life's not going the way you want? Blame, blame, blame! Blame first, ask questions and take responsibility later, if at all. Appropriate targets are Mom and Dad, friends (if you still have any), your mate (if they are still around), the Bush administration, the Clinton administration, big corporations, small minds, and, of course, God. Self-responsibility can lead to issues finding solutions, which flushes good drama right down the drain. Instead, be generous with the blame dispenser, letting it overflow on everyone, uncontained, uncensored, unedited. Blame, Blame, Blame!

Affirmations For Good Drama

Every day in every way I am stressing out over everything, real or imagined.

Everything is working together to conspire to bring the worst possible outcome to my doorstep.

Life is against me and I am doomed.

This, or something worse, is now manifesting for the highest cost to all concerned.

I no longer have to work to create drama. Drama happens effortlessly and naturally, all around me.

Whatever calamity I can conceive, I can achieve.

I always have everything I need to manifest everything I don't want, and all is hell in my world.

Copyright 2008 Scott Kalechstein, All Rights Reserved

Scott Kalechstein is an inspirational speaker, a transformational humorist, a life coach, and a modern day troubadour. He makes his home in Marin, California and loves presenting at conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops. In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious relationship. Call 415-721-2954 to schedule a session, or email him at scott@scottsongs.com. You can visit www.scottsongs.com to read more about his workshops, to hear his talks or to sample songs from his nine CD's. Sign up for his free muse-letters to receive writings like this one on a semi-occasional basis.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

A lesson in humility on Valentine's Day

About 10 years ago, when I was a lot snottier than I am now, my then boyfriend, Don drove up from San Diego to meet me on a weeknight for Valentine's Day. He was horribly late, dressed badly, and like an idiot, didn't even book a reservation in a restaurant.

So here we are, it's like 9 pm, I'm grouchy and starving, my blood sugar has bottomed out so low that I'm almost dizzy, and we're driving all over Santa Monica trying to find a restaurant that will let us in. One after another, we're turned away.

This goes on for an hour and I'm getting increasingly annoyed with my boyfriend. We finally are allowed to sit at the bar in this cheezy, not terribly romantic seafood grill. The stools are packed up against each other. The guy next to me is eating alone, and nd is flagrantly hitting on me. The service is terrible and we wait again, 30 more minutes, just to catch the waiter's attention. When the food finally arrives, it's sloppily prepared -- the chef no doubt is in a bad mood himself by 11 pm on Valentine's Day.

Just then, I see this gorgeous, radiant couple walking out of the restaurant -- his hair is long and blonde. His smile is angelic. She has transparent, luminous skin, and long flowing golden hair. He's wearing jeans. She's in a simple, almost frumpy navy blue sundress. They're holding hands and shyly exiting.

It's at that moment I suddenly realize it's Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow.
At first my inner snob was thinking: "Wait a minute. These people are wealthy celebrities. They can go anywhere. Why aren't they eating at a five star restaurant, or the Hotel Bel Air, or perhaps the Beverly Hills Hotel on Valentine's Day?

But then the beauty of this moment hit me: "If it's good enough for Brad Pitt to take Gwyneth Paltrow here on Valentine's Day, it's certainly good enough for me." It was one of life's great humbling moments.

That experience taught me a lot about how it's the experience that matters, the thought and the caring, and not the material frills. Where you are is not as important as who you're with. Every year since then, I've been grateful if I even have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, if he gives me a simple card with a heartfelt inscription, that expression of love alone is enough to make me happy.

Though I am quite sure of one thing: Reservation or not, Brad and Gwynneth certainly got a table that night.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I still hate Valentine's Day!

Ugh. It's almost that time again. Valentine's Day is a Halmark holiday, and one of those days that you can never live up to. There's just too much pressure to be happy. My best Valentine's Day ever was the time we decided to avoid the hype altogether. My partner and I made dinner at home, and took a walk on the beach in Malibu Colony. As we walked at night, two dolphins danced in the waves. He gave me a simple card with a mushy inscription. This was the most magical Valentine's Day ever for me--and it didn't contribute more than $4 to the retail economy. Last year, I went on a great Valentine's Day dinner date with a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend. (His partner was living in a foreign country so he was alone for the night and took me out for dinner.) Since we were just platonic buddies and not lovers, it took the pressure off and we actually had fun!

This year, I'm single on Valentine's Day, so I'm planning to spend it at a big party which will hopefully be devoid of loving couples smooching and holding hands.

Here are a few anti-Valentines I found for you to shower your single friends with.