Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Thank God I haven't met the Craigslist panty raider yet. He's not just a lingerie thief--he's a killer. He pursued women who were living somewhat on life's margins, so that he could dominate them and abuse them.
Sounds like some of the creepy men I've unfortunately been too trusting with at times in my life -- and sadly, these are "real" guys I've met in "real" life, not stalkers on the web.
One reason not to be needy, or to convince yourself that you're not worthy of asking for some information about a guy, up front. If he balks, he's probably got something to hide. Next!
One more reason to screen anyone carefully with LOTS of questions, and absolutely do not ever, ever, ever let a someone you've met in a personal ad know your real address, your home number, and girls, don't go on a hike or a kayak ride on your first date, and do not let him, no matter how charming, into your apartment.
If anyone raises a red flag in your BS detector, Google him profusely, do a search on Intellius (well worth the $14.99), and check his wallet for an ID when he's out of the room so you can confirm his name. One of my girlfriends sprang for the full $40 search and discovered that her new beau not only lived in another state -- but he was married.
Sorry if this sounds paranoid and mistrusting -- but it's better to be safe than end up in some guy's box, next to his gun and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
It's incredible how many men will take your personal ad post -- no matter what you say -- and twist it around into a kinky sex fantasy.
Here is the most ridiculous response I've received this week from a personal ad I posted. I swear I am not making this up!
I'd like to try to impress you so much that you'll agree to surrender into my sensual/intellectual "hostage" for a day or two and will help me to put everything together before release... i am not looking to get laid - "satisfied man cannot create", but i'd love to enhance my creative process by sharing what i know (as input), so you could "output" an enhanced version, or your interpretation of my original information + your vision/ ideas /experiences...
- trust is probably the most stimulating /erotic thing that is out there...
- it might be an interesting/new experience for you;
- it will be a really empowering for me;
- it is probably the easiest way to define boundaries of our connection;
I am younger and age difference will automatically put you in the position of authority - you have more life experience. If you'll decide to submit voluntarily allowing me to make decisions about form of information exchange, then you 'll become an inspirational goddess-alike... Stronger individuals do not need to control because they could afford things to "happen"
The main idea of my project is to stop wars in the world through non-violent "terror" - voluntary human shields.. in every military conflict there is no "right"/"wrong" sides. Somehow it happened that human life lost its value - we get one war after another.... There must be a force that will stop killing...
Using social networking it will be possible to consolidate human rights/antiwar movements... Monetizing web traffic will help to pay for 7-10K tickets for volunteers, who will decide to become a "human shields".
Spreading the knowledge about original intentions of all major religions will allow to melt together people's believes and will also help to save lives... people of the same faith are less likely to kill each other.
i interpret religions as "mental games" and right now it might be a good time to transform institution of the Church.
Human shields force will be equipped with devices allowing to blog in real time.. Each shield will have at least 5 people who will be waiting him/her back... 10k x 5=50K people will be providing info about conflict.
Both sides involved into conflict will have to deal with either
mini-holocaust of foreigners broadcasted live on the Web (which is not likely)
submission to shields' demands to start peaceful communication.
There is no way to arrest and place into prison so many people at once. Interference with every military conflict will discourage people to invest into weaponry.
there is a lot more to this project. In order to get attention to the project i will release few interesting journalist investigations ....
I wasnt trying to offend with indecent part of this offer- i just like the idea of finding equilibrium between a business and pleasure, plus i thought that you might like to have a creative/entertaining younger friend..
I got this in my in box today. When did dating become such a battlefield? When did it become a strategy game? When did it become such a mystery? When did it become an INDUSTRY?
Is the online dating scene and all of the workshops, singles parties and the myriad of consultants and matchmakers really necessary? Or is it just another way that even the most sacred, basic, simple things in our lives (like love and sex) have been warped into an industry that people can profit off of?
Personally, I just long for the days when I was a teenager and we were fresh, innocent, and blissfully unaware of the "games". When it was just about hanging out because you liked someone and thought they were cute. I think if we could step back and forget all the fear, games, strategies and mistrust, maybe, just maybe, we could fall in love with each other again.
Are you disillusioned with dating?
Feeling less than powerful?
Feeling less than optimistic?
Tired of the "games?"
Ever considered that it's HOW you're dating?
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* How dating games defeat your goals for a solid
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* Why traditional dating is not in your best interest
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* Why contemporary dating must empower you
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* How to spot emotional resistance and know what
to do about it . . . so the negative blather that goes
on in your head doesn't run the way you date
* Why online dating is a great rehearsal ground for
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* And much, much more!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
This is a witty personal ad I found today on Craigslist...and within it, some of the best relationship advice I've ever found from a guy's perspective. In a guy's language. Baseball.
Strangely, though, contrary to all advice that tells us gals to "hold off and let 'em chase", I've had my longest, and most successful relationships (and marriage proposals) with men who practically hit a home run on the first date. (Yes, all of the bases....well almost.) Ridiculous, uncontrollable chemistry seems to lead to the most sustainable relationships in the long run. Yes, and avoiding any discussion of the M word. Just don't say it. Don't mention it. Play the game.
Seeking a long-time relationship from the get-go is like swinging for a homerun. Homeruns are errors by the pitcher. If the hitter hits in hard enough and with the right timing, the possibility of a homerun is very great. But to go up to bat with the intent of hitting a homerun only raises the possibility of a strikeout. Pitchers can feel this and know you will be swinging for the fences. You will strikeout more often than hit a homerun. You will only scare the guys away. Ergo, you can use this knowledge to turn away unwanted advances.
Seeking for a long-term relationship from the get-go is like this. There is no patience involved. LTR seekers are just as bad as the ones who want to get you into the sack on the first exchange. They want a long-term relationship on the first exchange. Hence all the ridiculous requirements. There is no compromise. There is no growth; only broken promises of impossible expectations.
The other categories are more amicable. They are like the real thing. The idea is to get on base and let your teammates do their part to bring you home. You try your best to get on base, first base first (consummate the relationship), then second base (move in together), third base (meet the parents, go on a vacation together), then probably all the way home, if your teammate (lover) gets a hit.
Now the casual encounters!!! These people want to get on base 100% of the time. And the only way to get on base 100% of the time is to get hit by a pitch. Which is okay if that's your game, but getting hit by a pitch hurts, and you cannot be making a career from this.
So stop swinging for the homeruns. Don't seek the long-term relationship without seeing the pitches. Chances are you will strikeout. Chances are you scare the guys away. Be patient. Know the pitches. Get on base. Rely on your teammates to bring you home. Don't be a one person team.
And, on the same dimension, let's face it sex has alot to do with compatibility, unless you have gobs of money and sex with your partner, or even your primary partner, is a duty more than a product of your passions. Do I have a witness??
Here's to Billy Beane and the Oakland Athletics, the best team for its money.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Is it polyamory -- or polyagony? (My response to the responses to "Single (again) during the holidays.
Are we evolving to a new, openly loving society? Or are we a culture full of shallow, self-centered pleasure seekers who don't want to do any of the difficult work it takes to maintain families and deep, committed relationships?
In theory, ideally, polyamory means you have the best of both worlds -- and multiple partners who are committed, adoring, present, helpful, and there for you in sickness and in health, during the fun times AND the downturns.
Awwww....wouldn't that be nice?
Polyamory, in my experience, and the experience of other friends who have agonizingly endured it, means instead of having two lovers remember you on Valentine's day, your birthday, Christmas--nobody remembers you on holidays.
Instead of having a lover to pick you up at the airport, you're taking a cab home alone.
Instead of being able to freely call whenever you want, or just pop by to visit, you're on a strict schedule and have to set appointments (lest you embarrassingly stumble in on a tryst.)
For the polyamorist in the driver's seat, it's all the fun with none of the commitment or responsibility.
Who's there when you get sick, when you need cheering up, when it's "that time of the month" or when it's time to move? The polyamorist is off having fun with someone who is having a good day-- and his menagerie of partners are stuck with a fair weather f*ckbuddy who only shows up when it's time to hook up and party.
Interestingly, since this was posted, "Bozo" has told me that "Mr. Poly" still sees many other partners on the side. When I see the twisted agony in her face as she says that, I can tell that her heart isn't into this sharing, and it still causes her a lot of pain. Would she dye her roots and dump this guy if she had better self esteem? Of course.
I now have moved from anger towards her to empathy. I was there in her shoes, and I remember how miserable I was.
I have now accepted that I was in a relationship with a sex addict who hid his addiction behind a groovy urban community that promotes and endorses "polyamory."
My own lack of self esteem (going back to early experiences in childhood) enabled me to put up with this and be a co-dependent to his addiction -- because the person I was then did not truly feel that I deserved deep love and caring.
Through the 5 years of growth I've gone through while writing this anonymous blog I've changed now. It was a journey, and I survived. Doormat? Moi?
It makes me absolutely sick now to hear other people beam at their public relationship performance art and say things like: "Oooooh! She's so good for him!" Well, yes, she is so good for him!
Excuse me, but when he takes her to a party, his typical behavior is to ditch her immediately and run off with someone else?
Excuse me, she continues to look the other way and call herself "polyamorous" while HE is the one who carries on with other people, while she is never seen dating anyone publicly but him?
Excuse me, but the two of them are never seen out unless they are going to a sensual or cuddle party when he can roam around and indulge himself in front of her while she winces and undoubtedly feels unworthy?
I call that tolerating a self-centered, narcissic cheater, if you ask me. Yes, she's "good" for him. (Loved hearing her post little Twitter feeds from his bedside while she was in the hospital nursing him to health after his surgery!)
This particular woman (and my ex) engage in this behavior in the name of 'polyamory' -- which is the new buzz word for having multiple simultaneous relationships.
My therapist says: "Oh, polyamory? In the old days, we called it "adultery." Just a new word for the age old act of dishonesty and cheating.
It's not polyamory if you're lying about it--it's cheating. Polyamory means "many loves" -- not "many f*cks." Some people call it "polyf*ckery."
If you're not showing up for the real work that it takes to be in an intimate relationship, or you're spread too thin with too many partners, then it's polyf*ckery -- which leads to polyagony. Which ultimately leads to polyangry.
In all of my 30+ years of relationships, they were almost always faithful and monogamous, until about 5 years ago when it seemed like the whole landscape tilted in favor of men and the polyf*ckery craze began.
(Coincidentally this is right about the time that those fabulous tools for cheating, online dating, online banking (no more receipts for the wife to find!), text messaging and cellphones, became so ubiquitious.)
Were we suddenly openhearted and loving everyone -- or is the polyf*ckery craze because we all now had web access, and cellphones and text messages and Craigslist and Online Bootycall and FWBs and NSAs and cheating suddenly became cheap, easy and technologically feasible?
Sorry, call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be a perpetually single woman with self esteem, ethics and values, than the new modern woman who "gets" to have a partner only because she's willing to swallow her pride, look the other way and tolerate a fair weather f*ckbuddy. A
Monday, April 6, 2009
If things get really rough, I'm looking for a man who can help me stay warm and survive the rigors of a total economic collapse.
Geeks are out (unless they're handy with tools) as computer programming isn't going to be much needed in a meltdown.
Forget stockbrokers, fnancial managers, venture capitalists, accountants and bankers.
And real estate agents and mortgage brokers are going to be useless.
Born rich? Trust fund babies and people who are living off their investments and stock portfolios are freaking out now, because their finances are not "liquid" -- and many of these men have gotten soft and decadent, and have few real world skills to boot.
Massage therapists, yoga teachers and musicians are especially unappealing in times like this--unless you're looking to be rubbed, flexed and serenaded while the world crashes down around you.
Yeah baby, I want a man who can build me a bomb shelter in the apocalypse.
I want a man who can grow a Victory garden. Climb a coconut tree. And live off the land.
I want me a handy man.
A contractor, a plumber, a gardener, oh yeah. Auto mechanics are probably a good bet right now, as are doctors, EMTs, fire fighters and men who know how to get a generator running or -- or any man who is already self sufficient and living off the grid.
Cops, if that's your thing -- at least they'll always have a job.
Pot farmers -- hey, not a bad idea. They have a green thumb.
Guys, you'll probably want a woman who isn't afraid of spiders, not one of those high maintainence lipstick and heels girls -- or a gal with some real skills like a seamstress, chef or nurse.
And if a girl has been relying on hair dye, botox and Collagen for her good looks, you may be in for a rude awakening when all that chemical magic wears off and she starts to look like a pumpkin again.
What do you think? Are handy guys and practical girls suddenly hot?