Thursday, January 26, 2006

Why do they look like mushrooms?

I found this hysterically funny and beautifully written post today in WOMEN SEEKING MEN on Craigslist. Yes, guys, we really don't get turned on when you send us photos of your dismembered, detached, disembodied members. We're looking for a heart, not a head. But that occasional penis in my in box is at least always good for a giggle.

Why do they look like mushrooms after all?

I would like to point something out. "They" are not cute. "They" look like mushrooms, and generally speaking it's a good shape for the purpose but not to look at.

You guys must know that while you want to see us - we do not care so much what your parts looks like. We are after a feeling. The picture may be a shorthand - or a kind of "I owe you", but as such a picture of a penis is just so much human compounded by so much ego.

Yes, I like them. (You have no idea...) But isolated from the frame of a man, from the face of a man, from the voice and interests and violence of a man - it looks to me like some austere shrub - like some peculiar hothouse flower. (Native, perhaps, to the tropics).

I'm not clear on where I'm going with this. I just think you all should know. The girl thing - we want the composite, not the close-up. "It" is an accessory. Make love to me me with your brain. With your arms or your heart. Mean it. Care more. Study more. Take the time and you'll get it all back. I will wait on you. I will defend you to the world, comfort you, care for you. The whole thing. Deep clean desperate screwing?


Degraded, fine, guilt-ridden, unharnessed subservience? Yes. Yes already.

I do want it - but not the picture, the real thing - the push and pull of hope and fear, of wanting the other person to meet you half way and never being sure where that is. Give to my giving and you will be overwhelmed. That is the difference between men and women. We actually have more to give. It's because of what nature makes of us. We're always ready to be transcended.

You - your funny mushroom flower.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Is it's fault you didn't get a date?

I know this is old news: Online daters have filed a lawsuit and are seeking class action status against the cyberspace love connector The suit claims employees from the Internet matchmaking service sent out bogus romantic e-mails and even went on sham dates with subscribers as a marketing ploy.

But the new news is that yours truly, Brain Dancer, has signed on and joined this lawsuit. I got some very suspiciously perfect looking dates in my in box just as I was getting ready to cancel my membership -- and was hooked into staying in hope of giving the service "one more chance." I'll keep you posted as I learn how it's progressing.

I saw many complaints about about this issue that I referred to in a post earlier this year in Braindancing, but I had no idea it would go as far as a class action suit. It seemed like paranoia -- online daters insisting that Match was sending them phony ads to lure them into joining the service. But I have to admit, some of the guys they sent me seemed way too good to be true, and never replied to my emails.

And after paying them good money for over two years, I found Match's success record in actual dates with online personal ads significantly than the old tried and true method: meeting guys in the real world at parties or events. Match would have a much better luck at retaining customers if they solved the real problems that plague the service -- people who lie, people who post bland profiles, too much emphasis on photos and looks rather than real values, not "alternative" enough and too mainstream (out of touch with the real values of today's hip young singles), not specialized enough (there should be specialized communities, as Friendfinder has), and a system that doesn't ask questions that coax the personality out of shy people (Smart Cupid/Nerve does a much better job of drawing out presonality with provocative questions like: "What is your favorite sex scene in a movie?" or "What is the worst lie you ever told?".)

Register your Complaint

If you are member and feel you have received bogus e-mails, you may qualify for damages or remedies that may be awarded in a possible class action lawsuit. Please fill out the form below and we will have a lawyer review your complaint.

Your complaint will be sent to Arias, Ozzello & Gignac - H. Scott Leviant at Lawyers and

Friday, January 20, 2006

I admit it, I was rejected 7,365 times

Can I admit here the embarassing fact that during a year, 7,365 men viewed my profile on -- and yet I got only about five actual dates from it? So does that mean I'm a total babe and everyone wants to look at my photo -- or that I've been rejected by a staggering seven thousand men? (That could be every man in my age range in the entire city of San Francisco!) It might be painful, but useful, to know why they clicked on to the next. Is it because I'm unconventional and one of a kind and too gorgeous and brilliant and out of their league? Or wierd and repulsive and needy and clingy?

A feedback loop might give me insights into what I'm writing in my profile (or scary relationship ideals I'm admitting that I want) that sends these guys boomeranging back into cyberspace.

Over at Online Dating Insider, David Evans writes: "Who's Viewed Me Is Only The Beginning"

"The ability to know who has viewed your profile is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you may be exposed to people who are out of your normal search criteria. On the other, lack of people viewing your profile can be taken as a sign it's time to revise your essay and photographs. Or that you will never get another date unless you get a haircut. There is room for some sort of peer review service in there somewhere.

One one hand, I want to know who and what type of women find me appealing. On the other, I don't know anything more than that they have seen my profile and clicked on my photo. I want to know what their immediate reaction was. Mild butterflies or disgust? Were they reaching for the delete key or the Wink button?

Until dating sites provide (in a non-threatening comfortable way) greater transparency into the searcher-searchee process the majority of singles will continue to choose traditional matchmaking and social interaction over online dating sites (which are really introduction sites, as no one actually dates online.)"

A rating service (anononymously, perhaps) would really add value to online dating. I think David has a brilliant idea.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Hot -- or not so hot?

Here is are actual photos I found on Hot or, an online dating website that gives us all a chance to get rated like a cut of USDA meat.

Could these guys really seriously think they're hot, sexy guys on a scale of one to ten? Or are they just pulling my leg? (Hey, one guy pulled it so far it's amputated.)

Or is there truly someone for everyone out there in the vast online dating smorgasboard that is cyberspace?

Integrity -- the missing ingredient in Internet dating

This article was written by my friend, Tonja Weimer, a dating coach. I am reprinting it here for you. Integrity is the character that is bereft in the world of online dating. The lying, double timing, misrepresentation, and hurtfulness experienced by so many Internet ad daters is epidemic and it's poisoning the potential of the Internet to help us sift through the millions of potential stars in the universe to find our one true partner.

Why are so many people in cyberspace just looking for a quick hook up, satisfaction of only our basest, lowest-chakra instincts instead of elevating their quest to a higher love?

Why are so many married people using the Internet to cheat on their partners?

Why are so many single people stringing on a series of seductions, dangling people with the tantalizing promise of a relathonship, only to flee and abandon them as soon as they click on to the next?

Is online dating to blame or is it simply a reflection of the sickness of the world at large? Are people who date only "in the real world" more ethical and honest than Internet daters?

Honesty and integrity isn't just something we bring to our love relationships -- it's something we need to expand in every aspect of our lives.

Tonja writes a column on dating published in more than one million newspapers. You can visit Tonja's website for more information.


Life coaches often quote one of my favorite poems, The Invitation, by Indian elder Oriah Mountain Dreamer. When people read it or hear it, you can see an instant response on their faces--an Aha! moment.

The poem calls each of us to examine the degree of integrity we bring to our lives:

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing..."

How closely we live our life in alignment with what we deeply desire brings us into our integrity. The greater our integrity, the more we are able to connect with others on a meaningful level. Some people are born into families that live and model integrity, and therefore, they carry integrity with them into every aspect of their lives.

Some people discover their values and what is most important to them after experiencing loss and resurrection. And others search for a substantive life in every conversation, sermon, class, or counseling session they find themselves in, looking for answers that will illuminate their way towards deeper meaning.

Whatever path one takes to arrive at the core of what matters to them, they bring that great richness to the relationship with their life partner.

"It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive..."

Having integrity is a choice. Ask yourself:

1.. Where does my life lack integrity right now and how do I know this.? Am I guilty, judgmental, defensive, or incessantly distracted so I don't have to face what I am running away from?

2.. What five big or small changes could I make right now that would restore my integrity?

3.. What would it take for me to live a life of no tolerations? What energy drainers have I been putting up with?

If you know that you are doing things that are hurting you, holding you back, keeping you hidden behind people or places, and you are not implementing systems that would make your life work, you do not have enough integrity to sustain the quality of life you long for.

Visualize what your life would look and feel like if you lived in a state of calm and grace, doing work that you felt passionate about, surrounded by people who loved and supported you. Visualize this often because--this is what you deserve.

The last lines of the poem speak to the heart of integrity:

" It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

NSA Is For Losers

I found the NSA Is For Losers tribe on So far, it only attracted 26 members. Guess there are more people into No Strings Attached, fly by night, flingy relationships than the stringy, messy kind -- at least on Tribe:

!!NSA is for LOSERS!!

This tribe is for those of us tired of selfish egomaniacal failures hiding behind the guise of NSA for their own pathetic purposes. This is an angry tribe - mainly for women, queers, and people interested in creating a world where romance is honest and free of self serving players. MISOGYNISTS stay away!!!

Then someone responded:


I'm a bit of a n00b here so please forgive me. what does NSA stand for?

I'm assuming it's not National Security Agency, National Stroke Association, National Sheriffs' Association, National Society of Accountants or National Shellfisheries Association. I guess Google doesn't have an answer for everything