Have you Googled your date yet?

In the old days, when we met "In the real world", at church or school or in community, it was easy to tell if your date had a "reputation" or was a cad -- the word would be on the street. But in the anonymous world of Internet dating, when we're meeting someone from a different sphere, across town or maybe another state, you get "Googled."

Oldest online dating cliche in the book

Ok, anyone who has been reading this blog knows I am not a big fan of online dating. But after relentlessly getting spammed by Chemistry.com, I decided to give this service a try. Immediately I got 29 messages from "Men who want to meet me."

Here are a sampling of the tepid personal ad cliches that have arrived in my in box so far. I wish these guys would say something halfway original so I have some sort of clue as to who the human being behind the cliche might be. With generic names like "Ralph" and "Bill" and these deadly dull headlines, I really don't have much to go on.

By the way, I am not making this up. These are real, authentic responses to my personal ad. Aaaaack!

Who would you click on?

Looking for you

The one you've been waiting for!

Adventure Awaits

Total intimacy

“Cold hands, warm heart”

Looking for a connection

Passion and Adventure

WORLD'S GREATEST GUY (The whole letter is written in ALL CAPS and I imagine a guy who shouts a lot.)

Me Tarzan, You Jane

Sincere, Compassionate, and Sensitive Man

Nicest guy you will ever meet

Have broom. Ready to sweep. (You. Off your feet.) <<---ok, this one is at least kind of clever. In a "groooooan" knock knok joke kind of way.

And...drum roll please....

Your search is over!

Aaaaaaaagh! Delete, delete! And I'm supposed to pay money for this?

Here's a blogger's advice on tired dating cliches to avoid.

http://online-dating.suite101.com/article.cfm/online_dating_profile_cliches

Holding hands while walking on the beach in the sunset, anybody?

The new Web 2.0 way to humiliate your ex and get revenge

Now on Breakkup.com, you can expose that jerk (or jerkette) for the world to see, and the community will evicerate him/her on line -- sort of a modern version of the public gallows.

I found this today on Thrillist.com:

"When suffering through the throes of relationship trouble...get intimate advice from people you don't even know, with Breakkup.

A Digg-styled community dedicated to exploring relationship issues, BKU lets users post predicaments to a "Latest Drama" page, where community members vote on whether to Break Up or Chill Out, as well as leave specific comments, with the most pathetic active posts being slapped up on the homepage.

In the event you have no stones, the site's augmented by a Breakup Assistant. Submit a name, address, and grievances, and personal assistants will send your formerly-loved one a letter ranging in tone from You Really Hurt My Feelings to Don't Ever Talk To Me Again."

There are communities for online dating. So it only makes sense that there would be communities for breaking up. Could divorce networks be next?

The Case of the Disappearing Man-vanished without a trace

Image courtesy of http://www.menaredogs.com



Want to see a man disappear? It's easy. Just date him for a few weeks. It's happened to me, too. Things were rolling right along, we'd been dating for a few months. He took me out for my birthday to a nice French restaurant. We were going to parties together as a couple. It wasn't perfect, but it was nice enough. But then, suddenly. Nothing. Not a word. I call, asking "Hey, what happened?" No reply. It's like he's dead. And I'm thinking: How incredibly rude. How incredibly spineless. How incredibly...typical.

Well, I'm not alone. And here, in the bowels of Craigslist, are guys fessing up the unpleasant truth of the Disappearing Man Act.



Ok, this will be the same dating saga that women everwhere hash out on girls-night-out. Over and Over and Over! But I have yet to hear a guys explaination... let alone advice on how to handle it.

Guys.. help me out!

Here's the skinny:

--We met online, wrote and talked on the phone for 3 weeks.
--We seemed to have all the same wants, needs, likes, values, situations...etc.
--We met and had three AMAZING dates! We talked about everything, he said all the right things, was very attentive, warm and affectionate.
--We had sex on date three (amazing, yummy sex!)
--He spent the next three weeks texting me, calling me, coming to see me. He told me he was crazy about me, that he missed me, that I made him smile, that he couldn't wait to see me. He made me believe that he meant it too!

Then...
BAMM!

Just when I start to let my heart open up and believe all the wonderful feelings were real... he falls off the face of the earth! No text messages, no phone calls, the "sorry baby, I've been busy, I'll call you soon" excuse... but still no call.

I am so hurt! And I feel like such a sap!

I understand that everything happened fast for us. And I too have fears and reservations to work through.

But, why is it so incredibly hard for a man to just simply call and say:
1. I'm suddenly having some reservations that I need to think about
2. I'm suddenly feeling unsure
3. I feel that we moved too fast, can we slow down
4. I'm suddenly aware that I'm gay

hell... even
5. "I'm suddenly aware that you repulse me" would be better than the silence!!!

This is so unfair!
Why is it ok for men to act as if they are falling in love, and then dissapear?
Is it just a fact that men spout out all the best lies knowing full well that they will bolt in a few weeks? Are they even aware that they do this???
Common guys... you KNOW you have! Would you be upset if women did this to you?

But here's what I need to know...

What do I say to him if he calls?
What could I have done to avoid this in the first place?
From talking to my friends, this 'withdraw period' happens to all guys, every time. Is that true?
Do men actually take some time away, think about it, decide they miss us, and then come back and expect nothing has changed?


Right now I would love to write him a seething letter outlining all the reasons I was falling for him... and how this one thing has ruined my trust in him (and in men!)

My guy friends tell me that I should just move on and if he misses me, he'll come back. Why the HELL should I take back someone who can turn his feelings on and off like a bic lighter?

But, on the remote chance that I start to really miss him... does anyone have any advice for me?

Thank you!



Location: Dating Hell


This is the oldest trick in the book, and sorry it happened to you. You got used for sex, plain and simple. Men will say anything to get laid. He never wanted anything more with you than a few rolls in the hay for a little while. Once you said you wanted more, he was outta there.



First off, if the guy you are referring to is me, "I am sorry" although i can't remember any girls that made me wait till date THREE.

This guy is playing the on-line world and living by the philosophy of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

When you 2 first started talking he probably had 3-4 other girls he was working on at the same time and probably one that he felt a better connection with. Now he likes you and isn't sure about the other girl so he doesn't want to dump you but thinks he should keep you on the hook just in case.

What do you do? Well, if he is playing cold right now you could tell him how you feel and force him to make the choice of either dumping you or forgetting about the other girl(s) but more than likely you won't enjoy the outcome. Even if he does choose you he will more than likely stray, because he thinks he can get better.

Do not take this personally. It isn't really anything about you, it's more about him and his inability to commit. I know sounds like bullshit, but think about this. Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her. Jennifer Aniston can't seem to keep a guy, and neither can Carrie Underwood. The only thing that you are doing wrong is probably going for this alpha male type that is always on the prowl.

BTW i typically get dumped by girls 2-3 weeks after playing phone tag because i rarely have the balls to tell a girl to her face I am done with her so I try and hide until she gets the message.

Advise is MOVE ON -- and give me a call. I can wait 3 dates as long as they are all on the same week.



I sympathize with you over your loss. These are my thoughts:

You can understand men better if you STOP.
Your questions come from a failure to recognize that men aren't like women. Of course you and your girlfriends ask each other these questions all the time!

STOP. Understand that men are different from women. Very different! Don't expect them to act like you would, or like your girlfriends would.

As one example, let's see how men and women are different when they see something, like a snake. A woman's reaction is usually to be afraid, perhaps
scream, maybe wave her hands back and forth about shoulder high. A man's reaction is usually to back up, watch the snake in fascination, perhaps look for a stick to poke it or kill it. Different reactions.

For many men, maybe even most men, intimacy is a fearful thing, like that snake is to a woman. They don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's painful for them, by the way, because they know they had something good and are at a loss to understand why it scares them. It's also painful because they know they are hurting the woman and don't know how to handle it.

You might say that all they have to do is call her and at least tell her what's going on, or how they feel. Simple. And they might say to a woman who fears a snake, all you have to do is walk around it, or find a stick and poke it. Simple.

It ain't easy being afraid of intimacy. Try to understand us, we will try to understand you, and remember this: Mother Nature made us to procreate, and not necessarily to have intimate, lasting relationships.



He's dead.

The detectives will be at your door soon.

Be prepared to go downtown.

You may want to get an attorney.

Good luck.

Animals don't fall in love? According to Joe Quirk, love is only for penguins, and monogamy is non existent.

Move over Mars and Venus. Joe Quirk, is poised to become the hilarious George Carlin of Science, with his new San Francisco Chronicle bestseller IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S BIOLOGY: THE SCIENCE OF LOVE, SEX, AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Who falls in love in the animal kingdom? Only penquins and humans go for it. Monogamy is virtually non existent in the animal kingdom. You'll be loaded with enough pithy facts to hold court at a cocktail party after you read this book.

It's a funny look at the science of why men and women act the way they do.

For a sneak peek, check out this very funny video on You Tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEdHz0eIpm4

Catch him live:

November 6, 3 p.m.
October 29, Noon
Foothill College
Student Lounge/Campus Center
Foothill College
12345 El Monte Road, Los Altos Hills. (650) 949-7777.

How do you make love stay?

I was looking into a HAI workshop today and found this
list of "How to Make Love Stay" guidelines on Chip
August's blog.

Then I was reminded of Tom Robbin's
quote about how to make love stay in one of my
favorite books, "Still Life With Woodpecker." I'm
sharing both with you here.

I am finally realizing that love isn't something you find--
love is something you make. A relationship isn't
something you discover -- it is a co-creation. A co-
creation that like any other magnificent work of art or beauty
requires dedication, teamwork, risk and hard work.

This discovery is a major "ah hah" for me.

------

Ten Promises That Invite Love To Stay, by Chip August


1) I promise to listen to you.

2) I promise to tell you the truth, saying both
the hard stuff and the easy stuff.

3) I promise to always make time for us.

4) I promise to choose being in love over being
right.

5) I promise to always look for the joy in our
relationship.

6) I promise to do all I can to have my passion
for you grow.

7) Talking to each other is very important to
our relationship.

8) Loving, intimate touch is more important than
talk.

9) I choose to love you, and if I forget,

10) I promise to choose to love you again.


How to make love stay.

by Tom Robbins:

Who knows how to make love stay?

Tell love you are going to the Junior's Deli on
Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake,
and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.

Tell love you want a memento of it and obtain a lock
of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense
burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face
southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a
convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the
burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your
face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will
stay.

Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the
world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee
out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that
everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love
will be there in the morning.”

More from Tom Robbins:

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover,
instead of creating the perfect love.”

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't
adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to
sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor
and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That
would mean that security is out of the question. The
words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love
for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

“When two people meet and fall in love, there's
a sudden rush of magic. Magic is just naturally
present then. We tend to feed on that gratuitous magic
without striving to make any more. One day we wake up
and find that the magic is gone. We hustle to get it
back, but by then it's usually too late, we've used it
up. What we have to do is work like hell at making
additional magic right from the start. It's hard work,
but if we can remember to do it, we greatly improve
our chances of making love stay.”

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching
for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years
or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're
still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up
with somebody more promising. This can go on and
on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a
partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we,
each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment.
Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe
otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to
program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tantric Engineer Available for all Your InHouse Chakra Re-Wiring Needs!

I swear this is a real Craigslist ad. Posted in Marin County, California of course.

Ever wonder about what it would be like to have a really hot (or really cool if you prefer!) Boyfriend that was a fully trained and certified Tantric Electrical Engineer Expert?

Well, you can find out tonight (or even sooner!), if you're brave enough and willing to open up your Wholey Shakric Field Systems spontaneously to Eco-static Advanced Enlightenment!

I was a Substitute Teacher of Eco-static Advanced Enlightenment Wholey Shakric Field Systems Tantric Engineering at Karmic Sutures for 5 years in Portland, Oregon, until I got laid off about two years ago. I have since relocated to the Bay area, and I haven't been practicing much but like they say, it's pretty much like riding a bicycle.

I would like to find a willing, able, and available partner, not too tall and not too short, not too thin and not too fat, not too dumb and not too smart, to help me bring back the level of Serio-Sexological Mastery that I once enjoyed when I was teaching and practicing every morning. (And at mid-day, and most afternoons, and right before washing up the dinner dishes, and before bed, of course, and at 2:35am also~~on weekends the practice was a little more intense and demanding so we ate off paper plates.)

Would you like to learn to ride perfect Tantric Glassy Totally Tubular Waves of ECo-stacy and finally find out for yourself what it's like to feel the Energy of the entire Universe Pulsating into your Divine Navel and charging through your Wholey Pelvic Basin and Beyond? (Have you ever seen your toes actually glow bright neon orange, post coitally? That is very common among advanced Karmic Suture Eco-stacy Experts!)

Luckily for you, I'm not in a committed relationship right now so you might want to jump like a bunny rabbit on steroids at this once-in-20-lifetimes opportunity!

(I am pretty adept at 59 of the 108 Holy Moist Eco-static Positions but never did quite get the hang of the "Divine Split Double Backwards Butterfly Falling Into The Void Space While Spitting Into The Great Wide Eye." (No. 60) I can teach you the first 59 though, and maybe we can figure out the rest just by reading the manual together and fooling around. Could you bring a booklite over with you, please?)

Be sure to mention in your response whether you are "male" "female" or "decline to state"? I'd vastly prefer female, but when we close our Worldly Eyes, and truly fall into the great Supreme Ravine of Truncated Fully Exquisated Bliss and Unified Mind Field Matter Minus All Dualities of the Supreme Pleididactic Heavenly Holy Grail InfraGalactic Eco-Static Empire, I can assure you, at that point you won't remember which sex you are, or where you even went to high school! (Just be sure to bring a toothbrush!)

In preparation for our Cosmic Eco-stacy, we will braid our pubic hairs together so our bonding will be stablized and secure during the more vigorous postures, so if you are heavily trimmed down there these techniques may not be appropriate for your current primal eco-static needs. (Traditionally, each partner was actually surgically stitched to one other but this now is considered cruel and unnecessary enlightenment by most highly respected Karmic Suture Eco-static Experts in the Field.) So let it grow out a little and call me back!

We will subsist primarily on wheat grass, ham hocks, Peppermint Patties, and Dr.Bronner's Bouillon Cubes during the length and depth of our more serious practice sessions, and you may also eat small amounts of Sea's candy, and chew Bubblicious chewing gum if you like. (Don't forget to bring your favorite breath mints too, please.)

I'll be in deep Cosmic you-know-what till I hear from you and am looking forward to your eager, willing, and divine participation. (Maybe this coming Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday??)

Sex, especially when it's Tantric, is pretty darn good entertainment when you do it correctly, and many Karmic Suture Practitioners find that their TV watching is greatly reduced within two or three days of beginning their serio-ecostatic-oasisial Initiatory practice. Plus, you'll save a lot of money at Ross's! (Could you bring some shampoo over too? Something organic? Maybe tea tree? Thanks!)