Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Case of the Disappearing Man-vanished without a trace

Image courtesy of http://www.menaredogs.com

Want to see a man disappear? It's easy. Just date him for a few weeks. It's happened to me, too. Things were rolling right along, we'd been dating for a few months. He took me out for my birthday to a nice French restaurant. We were going to parties together as a couple. It wasn't perfect, but it was nice enough. But then, suddenly. Nothing. Not a word. I call, asking "Hey, what happened?" No reply. It's like he's dead. And I'm thinking: How incredibly rude. How incredibly spineless. How incredibly...typical.

Well, I'm not alone. And here, in the bowels of Craigslist, are guys fessing up the unpleasant truth of the Disappearing Man Act.

Ok, this will be the same dating saga that women everwhere hash out on girls-night-out. Over and Over and Over! But I have yet to hear a guys explaination... let alone advice on how to handle it.

Guys.. help me out!

Here's the skinny:

--We met online, wrote and talked on the phone for 3 weeks.
--We seemed to have all the same wants, needs, likes, values, situations...etc.
--We met and had three AMAZING dates! We talked about everything, he said all the right things, was very attentive, warm and affectionate.
--We had sex on date three (amazing, yummy sex!)
--He spent the next three weeks texting me, calling me, coming to see me. He told me he was crazy about me, that he missed me, that I made him smile, that he couldn't wait to see me. He made me believe that he meant it too!


Just when I start to let my heart open up and believe all the wonderful feelings were real... he falls off the face of the earth! No text messages, no phone calls, the "sorry baby, I've been busy, I'll call you soon" excuse... but still no call.

I am so hurt! And I feel like such a sap!

I understand that everything happened fast for us. And I too have fears and reservations to work through.

But, why is it so incredibly hard for a man to just simply call and say:
1. I'm suddenly having some reservations that I need to think about
2. I'm suddenly feeling unsure
3. I feel that we moved too fast, can we slow down
4. I'm suddenly aware that I'm gay

hell... even
5. "I'm suddenly aware that you repulse me" would be better than the silence!!!

This is so unfair!
Why is it ok for men to act as if they are falling in love, and then dissapear?
Is it just a fact that men spout out all the best lies knowing full well that they will bolt in a few weeks? Are they even aware that they do this???
Common guys... you KNOW you have! Would you be upset if women did this to you?

But here's what I need to know...

What do I say to him if he calls?
What could I have done to avoid this in the first place?
From talking to my friends, this 'withdraw period' happens to all guys, every time. Is that true?
Do men actually take some time away, think about it, decide they miss us, and then come back and expect nothing has changed?

Right now I would love to write him a seething letter outlining all the reasons I was falling for him... and how this one thing has ruined my trust in him (and in men!)

My guy friends tell me that I should just move on and if he misses me, he'll come back. Why the HELL should I take back someone who can turn his feelings on and off like a bic lighter?

But, on the remote chance that I start to really miss him... does anyone have any advice for me?

Thank you!

Location: Dating Hell

This is the oldest trick in the book, and sorry it happened to you. You got used for sex, plain and simple. Men will say anything to get laid. He never wanted anything more with you than a few rolls in the hay for a little while. Once you said you wanted more, he was outta there.

First off, if the guy you are referring to is me, "I am sorry" although i can't remember any girls that made me wait till date THREE.

This guy is playing the on-line world and living by the philosophy of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

When you 2 first started talking he probably had 3-4 other girls he was working on at the same time and probably one that he felt a better connection with. Now he likes you and isn't sure about the other girl so he doesn't want to dump you but thinks he should keep you on the hook just in case.

What do you do? Well, if he is playing cold right now you could tell him how you feel and force him to make the choice of either dumping you or forgetting about the other girl(s) but more than likely you won't enjoy the outcome. Even if he does choose you he will more than likely stray, because he thinks he can get better.

Do not take this personally. It isn't really anything about you, it's more about him and his inability to commit. I know sounds like bullshit, but think about this. Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her. Jennifer Aniston can't seem to keep a guy, and neither can Carrie Underwood. The only thing that you are doing wrong is probably going for this alpha male type that is always on the prowl.

BTW i typically get dumped by girls 2-3 weeks after playing phone tag because i rarely have the balls to tell a girl to her face I am done with her so I try and hide until she gets the message.

Advise is MOVE ON -- and give me a call. I can wait 3 dates as long as they are all on the same week.

I sympathize with you over your loss. These are my thoughts:

You can understand men better if you STOP.
Your questions come from a failure to recognize that men aren't like women. Of course you and your girlfriends ask each other these questions all the time!

STOP. Understand that men are different from women. Very different! Don't expect them to act like you would, or like your girlfriends would.

As one example, let's see how men and women are different when they see something, like a snake. A woman's reaction is usually to be afraid, perhaps
scream, maybe wave her hands back and forth about shoulder high. A man's reaction is usually to back up, watch the snake in fascination, perhaps look for a stick to poke it or kill it. Different reactions.

For many men, maybe even most men, intimacy is a fearful thing, like that snake is to a woman. They don't know what to do, so they do nothing. It's painful for them, by the way, because they know they had something good and are at a loss to understand why it scares them. It's also painful because they know they are hurting the woman and don't know how to handle it.

You might say that all they have to do is call her and at least tell her what's going on, or how they feel. Simple. And they might say to a woman who fears a snake, all you have to do is walk around it, or find a stick and poke it. Simple.

It ain't easy being afraid of intimacy. Try to understand us, we will try to understand you, and remember this: Mother Nature made us to procreate, and not necessarily to have intimate, lasting relationships.

He's dead.

The detectives will be at your door soon.

Be prepared to go downtown.

You may want to get an attorney.

Good luck.

No comments:

Post a Comment