When we lie, we destroy relationships

Two weeks ago, I took my first workshop with the Human Awareness Institute, an organization devoted to helping people have more loving and effective relationships. The workshop turned my life upside down. Tucked in the back of our handouts was this essay by the organization's founder, the late Stan Dale, on the effect of truth on our relationships.

"When we lie, we destroy relationships - both the one we have with ourselves and those we have with others," he says. "The only true foundation a relationship can be built on is trust. So many relationships are falling apart because trust - if it was ever there - is being eroded."

After so many experiences where my dishonesty -- or my partner's lack of honesty -- has destroyed my intimate relationships, I now feel that there is only one way to relate, truthfully, and with blunt, radical honesty.

Trusting And Truthing

An honest look at the effects of dishonesty

by Stan Dale

One of the articles in Friends & Lovers (IC#10)
Summer 1985, Page 25

Copyright (c)1985, 1997 by Context Institute

WHETHER WE'RE AWARE of it or not, we human beings communicate 24 hours a day. Even in dreams we communicate. Even when we don't say anything we communicate. Our relationships are built or destroyed by communication - and there's virtually nothing else involved in a personal relationship except one form of communication or another.

Throughout my life as a husband, lover, father, friend and therapist, I have both experienced and observed the destructive power of dishonest communication. When we lie, we destroy relationships - both the one we have with ourselves and those we have with others. Lying is counter communication. It erodes the very foundation of a relationship. It is a time bomb that will eventually destroy the relationship.

To tell a lie weakens the already weak esteem of the lie-teller. The person to whom the lie is told, whether that person finds out the truth or not, feels the lie's effects. Why? Because lies are negative communications. They take away what is attempting to be built. The only true foundation a relationship can be built on is trust. So many relationships are falling apart because trust - if it was ever there - is being eroded. One more lie; one more time bomb.

Then one day, ka-BOOM! Why? Because communication finally broke down beyond the point of no return. If relationships are communication with trust as their foundations, then honesty is the cornerstone. Dishonesty is a protective device. Lies are protective devices. Lies are told because the person telling them believes that he/she has no other choice.

However, we're being two-faced if we tell someone that we love them - and then also lie to them. There can be no real love without trust. We'd be protecting ourselves from the very person we need never fear. If we don't trust the person we say we love, how can we ever be intimate? How can we ever be vulnerable? And if we can't be intimate and vulnerable, what do we have but a lie?

Lies are protective devices. We think we are protecting the other person when we lie, but in reality we are protecting ourselves. When we lie, we set the time bomb ticking, and the explosion will rip through the delicate fabric we attempt to weave between ourselves and someone else.

There are two basic lies - the overt and the covert. The overt lie is usually spoken. It's a falsehood. Even a little white one.

The covert lie is more subtle, and the most often used. Its telltale signs are usually seen in body language - such as darting eyes, downcast eyes, side-glancing eyes, twitching of some part of our extremities, falre smiles, a deadpan face and so on. In other words, it's something that needs to be said, but isn't. The covert lie is usually more damaging than the bald-faced lie because the other person may never perceive that something is wrong. Reading body language takes quite a bit of experience. If covert lying can be detected, however, we can defuse the time bombs before they explode.

Envision a gorge. The only thing connecting the two land masses is a bridge built by the hands of those who dare to risk. Isn't that the process two people take when they try to establish a friendship? Here are two entities wishing to connect. They put out furtive feelers at first. Then they get slightly bolder the more they feel they can trust.

Each communication, no matter how conveyed, is one more plank in that bridge. The more honestly we communicate, the more we get to know one another, and the stronger the bridge gets. The more we get to know each other, the sooner we can lower the barriers of self protection. We almost always approach the others like knights in armor. Slowly we shake their hand, "checking for weapons" as in the days of old. Then slower yet, we raise the visor to get to "see" the other person.

Why are we so armored? Probably because intimacy is so frightening to us. In reality, it is probably the single most frightening thing we face. The effect of being totally intimate is being totally naked - emotionally, psychically, and possibly even physically. It is to let every part of me connect or touch with every part of you.

It is total vulnerability. Now I am totally defenseless. When we are defenseless, we fear that "now you will walk all over my unprotected guts with your cleats. You will hurt me in ways no other person could."

It seems that what we cherish most, we chase away in so many creative, fearful ways. For every time we lie, hiding our "nakedness," we are telling the other person, "I don't trust you!" Not in so many words, of course, and that's another contributing cause to the downfall of that painstakingly built bridge between two people. After all, who trusts a bridge with loose or missing planks?

We are so afraid of hurting others and of being hurt that we do the very thing that is guaranteed to destroy what we cherish. Every time we lie, overtly or covertly, we drive another nail into the coffin that will hold our dead relationship.

The paradox of being totally naked, vulnerable and intimate is that we are also totally potent. In reality, we cannot hurt or be hurt unless we choose it. Being naked, vulnerable and intimate with someone else is first to say that we are totally naked, vulnerable and intimate with ourselves.

That's the ultimate question: Do we trust ourselves or not? Do we trust that we can handle whatever comes up; or will we run scared, hiding in the tunnel of darkness that is laden with ignorance and fear?

The decision, of course, is up to each one of us. How long are we willing to live the lie? Or will we defuse the time bomb that would otherwise destroy us and those we love?

The sinking relation dinghy

Dear ____,

Why are you so armored? Probably because intimacy is so frightening to you. It is probably the single most frightening thing you face.

Why do you lie, constantly to yourself and other people? Because the truth is so frightening to you. Telling the truth means facing the truth of who and what you are.

There can be no real love without trust. We'd be protecting ourselves from the very person we need never fear.

Truth = reality.

Lie = untruth.

False reality. Illusion. Building an Impression. Spin control. Artifice. Creating a story that pleases other people. Making yourself look good in another's eyes.

Our relationship started with untruth. And I just went deeper into denial in order to accept you.


Lying to others ultimately shows that you are not being honest with yourself. I'm untruthing to myself all the time in order to be with you. You are untruthing to me all the time in order to convince me to go deeper.

We are building a relationship (it' s more of a relation dingy or an inflatable raft with a leak in it than a ship) on this really weak foundation of continual deceit.

You untruth to yourself as you create this illusion. Because every time you pretend, to other people, that you and I are less, you are making us less. You are creating that reality -- less intimacy, less closeness -- with your words and your actions.

Why do you lie? You think it is to protect me, but it is really to protect yourself. The truth, you fear, might make me like you less. The untruth, on the other hand, might trick me into liking you more, supporting you, standing up for you--even loving you.

But is that relation-dingy floating on spin control and platitudes seaworthy-- or just an illusion built on a shaky foundation of illusion?

I trusted you. This was the impression I had--the untruth. The spin. I put that spin in our relation dingy and denied it.

And now the relation dingy has another leak in it, and it's sinking.

This story was created by Brain Dancer in her mind, with the very limited facts that you revealed to me, to make her happy so she would be tricked into going deeper into intimacy with you.

I was totally in denial when I created this story to please myself, instead of looking at the truth. I lied to myself and looked the other way. I created a fantasy that enabled me to continue with the illusion that makes me happy and put that fantasy in my little relation dingy.

"Right now, I'm only sometimes happy with ____, because he is constantly abandoning me for other women/people/priorities/experiences, but he is going to surrender to me, take care of me, and nurture me, and make me happy someday. So I will tolerate all kinds of behaviors that hurt me and make me feel unworthy and abandoned as I wait for him to change and start to give me what I want."

Is there anything you can do for me that will heal this and enable us to get closer again? Or is it time for me to put an end to this painful ride and jump off the "love dingy" and go find a real Love Boat?

The CEO of a dating site writes back

Hi Brain Dancer,

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know how much I
enjoyed reading your alternately hilarious and sobering blog.

I founded __________ about five years ago because I had a wonderful
experience with online dating and thought I could put together an
easier to use system. I think I've made progress, but there's still
a lot of work to do.

People regularly send me cute and heartwarming notes about getting
married to someone who met on _________, so for some people, it works.

Being able to see things from the inside also makes me aware that
there are a lot of people who find it impersonal, exasperating, and
ultimately shallow.

Ultimately, I am sanguine. This thing is still in it's infancy and
people are still struggling to figure out how to do it. This is true
for both service providers and users.

Your observations surprised me though. Is it really that difficult
for an intelligent, articulate, successful (terminally 39) woman to
find a great man? Or are you exercising your prodigious writing
talent to tap into the groundswell of frustration and anger about the
state of dating and relationships today?

With the current ratio of men to women online, and the apparent
dearth of people who can string a couple of coherent sentences
together, it would seem that yot are in the catbird's seat.

Best,

Chris

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your well written and articulate post and your compliments. I love to see the reaction of others out there to my observations. I am usually an optimist, but I really do think that online dating has changed our relationships for the worse.

I can't believe that my failure to JUST FIND A BOYFRIEND (let alone a life partner or someone to marry) after two years of dating, after at least 100 dates (to men I met both out there in the real world and on here in the fantasy cyber world) ... I can't believe it's because I'm not desirable. Or that I'm "too picky." Or that I'm "too old." I really think the Internet is to blame. (By the way, a year after I started this blog, and stopped Internet dating, I did meet a lot of really great men, and have been dating someone amazing, who I met slowly, over time, the old fashioned way, while dancing in a community of friends.)

Back in the "old days" I always had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. I wasn't expecting the world -- just someone to do things with on the weekend. Someone to walk with. Go to parties with. Go to concerts with. Hang out with.

Back then, a 45 year old man didn't dream of trying to date a 25 year old. (Now, with online dating offering so many choices, it's de rigeur...men my age won't even think of dating a woman their own age. They all first lie about their age, and then they dial down their age requirement to 10-15 years younger.)

Back then, a man that much older than me probably never would have crossed my path -- not at a party or a social event. But the Internet gives these guys access to younger women, beautiful women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, rubenesques, BBWs and petites -- and they think they can just order up what they want. Online dating reduces us all to a product offering. Choose your size, hair color, eye color, age, height! It's just like Costco!

It seems that now unless you are 100% PERFECT and meet a laundry list of requirements a date won't "waste their time" with you, even just to date casually. It seems that back when there weren't so many options, when dates were rare and precious, we took them seriously. And we expected less.

This HOLY GRAIL, Hefty Bag, Costco wholesale approach to dating makes us all ultimately lonelier.

Do I sound bitter and disillusioned? Yes. And yet I keep submitting myself to the ongoing process of mutual rejection. I kept believing that it would happen, and when I abandoned online dating and spent more time doing what I love in the real world, it did start to happen.

If I just click one more time...

I agree that there is a groundswell of frustration and anger ... and when I started Braindancing, I thought I was the only one who noticed it. I have since discovered dozens of blogs about dating and its discontents. In a way this makes me feel better -- at least I'm not alone. But what can we all do to change the situation and make it better?

BrainDancer

Yet another class action lawsuit against an online dating site

Most online dating services deliberately make it darn near impossible to resign -- finally consumers are fighting back against this unethical and sneaky practice. If they have to work so hard to keep members -- one has to wonder about the real value any of these sites provide.

A lawsuit has been filed against TrueBeginnings, LLC, the owner and operator of the TRUE.com online dating website. The lawsuit seeks certification of a class action on behalf of TRUE customers who were charged service fees by TRUE after cancelling their subscriptions.

Allegedly TRUE bills its former subscribers service fees after they have attempted to cancel their subscriptions over the phone. TRUE charges fees in excess of $50 per month and advertises on its website that memberships can be cancelled at any time. However, only over the phone. The lawsuit also seeks an injunction prohibiting the enforcement of a provision in TRUE's terms granting it a perpetual, world-wide license to use, distribute or display all information - including photographs - submitted by subscribers. Wong v. True Beginnings, LLC, has been filed in the District Court of Dallas County, Texas and the Plaintiff is represented by Tycko & Zavareei LLP and Crews, Shepherd & McCarty LLP. Contact: Jonathan Tycko, 202-973-0900. FULL ARTICLE @ EARTHTIMES

Hey, you look familiar. We met in Reality.

Well, in the interest of more material for this blog, I thought about putting myself back on the market. The online dating market.

I get a lot of offers for dates out here in the "real world" and my utter disgust with Internet dating has reached the point where I've pretty much given up on it, but in the interest of blogging, and the eternal hope that someone on the Web might be better than whomever I've been meeting here in Reality, I freshened up my profile again.

It's been at least a year. But as I browsed around, I discovered at least half the guys I met in the last round were still hanging out, profiles a little frayed and dusty, still single, still hunting for woman who are prettier, younger and hotter than they probably deserve.

And then I saw him.

_____________! A man I've been seeing kind of on and off again, who I've known for years now. I guess you'd call it one of those mythical "friendships with benefits" -- a convenient, low profile "thing" where we see each other and hang out between stints of dating other people. Something safe because it's not too challenging. Something easy because there's not much at stake. Something comfortable, but always naggingly deficient.

He says he's not in love with me and that's not his role with me. I say he's too superficial and shallow.

He's always trying to get me to eat at Burger King and thinks Organic food is a ripoff. I'm a vegetarian and health food fanatic.

I think his house is barren and cold. He thinks I have too much clutter.

He thinks I'm too old. I think his trendy friends are shallow and inmature.

He's a skeptic. I'm a believer.

Hey, but as Woody Allen said in Annie Hall: We do it for the eggs. It's there and it's safe and we always kind of sheepishly retreat to each other when nothing else pans out.

But sometimes, he rocks my world. We like to ski, we go to the beach, we almost never fight, we cook dinner together, we encourage each other. He's supportive and grounded, he fixes my bicycle and brings my computer up after a crash. We enjoy the simple things, and over the years, our shallow relationship has acquired a patina of depth that comes with familiarity.

And here he is, on _______.com. "Wow!" I thought. "He's really cute." Not just that, but his profile was...surprisingly interesting. Intriguing. Sincere. He grew up Catholic? I had no idea. He's an atheist? We never talked about it before. He used to have a ponytail and was clean shaven? I've only known him short haired with a beard.

How many years did I have to know someone in the "real world" before I learn these things than any stranger with a modem has total access to?

He wants meet a girl within biking distance of his house? Who likes to have deep philosophical discussions? Well, actually, I fit the bill perfectly.

We met in the real world the natural way, dancing. The chemistry was instantaneous and raging. But here I stumble on him on the web and think, well, actually, he looks pretty hot here too. Would I have passed on this one, I wonder? Or would I have clicked for more? Would he have responded? Or would I be outside his age range?

Do we actually have a better chance of meeting "out here" where chemistry can overcome the laundry list -- or on the web where we can get all those things out of the way before the hormones take over?

So it all makes me wonder, you know... does the very existence of this global online candy store of unlimited options make us overlook something pretty good within biking distance? Would we have progressed into something deeper if it was harder to meet new people and there weren't so many perceived options? Or is the real promise of the Internet the ability to find our absolute soulmate - not just someone "comfortable". Not just someone "nice to be with" and "good enough"?

Will we ever actually see each other?

Well, here I am, alone with my notebook PC on a rainy day, thinking what a lovely time this would be to curl up by the fire and listen to the water pound the roof with someone special. But it takes so long, so very very long to meet anyone anymore.

I'm not the only impatient one. I found this post today on Craigslist::

i am not the type of guy to spend time online

i love to go out and meet new women in PERSON
not online

If that does not work for you
there are 10,000 more ads you can look at

i am specifically looking for women who are brave enough to risk a date in person

i cant feel a vibe online--only in person can i feel if i like them or not--and even then i am a patient man

it may take 3 or 4 date s for me to feel the right vibe or not

i cant always tell right away whos gonna be right

so all you women who can relate please ....lets have coffee or a beer

asap.

Nominated for best ad from a shameless golddigger

I found this on Craigslist today and it was so clever and so poetically written, I just had to give this ad some attention. If I was a guy, I'd write to her just to find out what her black lace looks like.


Captains of Industry (Financial District)

Modest genius with the potential to be a famous millionaire craves your skill in mixing business with pleasure. What makes your heart race faster--pulling off a killing in the market place or getting tangled up in black lace? Shhhh. Don't answer that yet. First tell me if you're addicted to peer pressure. Personally, I don't need to be hip and cool because I'm cute and smart. You, I hope, don't need to break the rules because you make the rules. We're both far from perfect, and that's the way we like it. Our vices are more useful than most people's virtues. Baby, let's rule the world together. I lust for your attention to detail. I await your fax.