I decided to pull the plug on my online dating addiction. No more strained cups of coffee. No more quibbling about who pays. No more blowdrying my hair and driving hours to a date way out in West Bumchuck to find that the guy was absolutely unrecognizable because he's posted a ten year old photograph (several thousand hairs ago...several pounds ago). No more facing the inevitable rejection when he looks at me, that first glimpse, and his face falls and the disappointment is palpable and I feel like that girl at the Jr. High School dance, sitting on the sidelines and not getting asked to dance. I have better things to do with my time.
You see, I just learned that I am undatable because...well...I can't even say it without laughing uncontrollably. It's the last thing I ever expected.
My tits are too small.
It came to this when I made the mistake of re-contacting "Stuck on Himself" (his name has been changed to protect the guilty) a self-proclaimed architect and photographer I'd been corresponding with about 9 months before. On paper, the guy seems like a catch. He was sending me articulate email messages almost every day. We spoke many times on the phone. He invited me to meet him, but he was in the middle of moving and so was I on the same day, in fact, so we backburnered each other and somehow lost track. But here he was, still single. So I sent out a little note to see how he was doing:
ME:
Still at the top of my list? What's with that?
Hi. It's kind of surreal the way this site month after month keeps putting you on top of my "Best Matches" list....doesn't that every make you just a little bit curious? i removed my profile for several months (i was exploring a relationship with a man who sadly moved to another state...so here i am, firing my ad up again. what are you up to?
HE:
I've been active again lately, maybe that explains it. although you seem to be a wonderful and beautiful woman, superficial as it sounds, i think that you're not my type. good luck to you... j
I'm thinking...well...why were you so interested in meeting me before, but now, suddenly disinterested....no explanation. What's up? So I decided, for the sake of my blog, and you, dear readers, to pobe a little deeper.
ME:
Golly, you do have point there. We don't have much in common...because i'm not exactly adverse to hard boiled eggs, and you are...so we must not be a match.
But seriously, it's just a little puzzling, that's all...because we corresponded quite a bit and spoke on the telephone a few times, and you're absolutely one of the most interesting men i've run into on here (and that's saying a lot.)
But i ceratainly respect that hunch that someone's not a fit...and your honesty in conveying that.
I find it's always best to be polite, because i seem to run into these virtual men in the "real" world with alarming frequency.
(Read between the lines here:
Unlike the rudeness you have displayed to me, I am not going to be rude to you because you might end up on the other end of a conference table with me some day. Yes, it does happen.)
HE:
You are are prime example of why I wish I wasn't so superficial, because you do seem wonderful.
j
ME:
(Now I am ranting, yes.)
Being so picky and superficial is probably the reason why two attractive, fit, successful, smart, competent, supposedly amazing people like us are still single, childless, sleeping alone every night and spending too much time on these personal sites instead of having fun and making love.
Frankly, I'm about to throw up my hands in disgust and just have mindless sex with someone at this point. at least that would be connecting on some level, instead of no level.
I think everyone has ridiculously high standards and keeps believing that every single checkmark on their wish list can be magically fulfilled. In the end, we are all a lot lonelier.
So what are you being so superficial about?
ie:
- Your photos are too blurry
- You weren't flirtatious enough on the phone
- I want to date a younger woman
- You seem like you're looking for a real relationship, and i'm just trying to get laid
- You seem too desperate
We're never going to meet anyway, so please be blunt.
HE: Well, you'll kill me for saying this. I know it's really superficial.
But you're breasts are too small.
ME: What? My breasts are too small? Is that all?
I'm being rejected because of my breasts? What a relief!
As the French say: "More than a mouthful is wasted." (Isn't the ideal breast shaped exactly like a glass of champagne?)
HE:
hi, i feared that you would misunderstand me. you seem to be assuming that i am equally picky/superficial about other body parts and not particular at all about intelligence, integrity, humor, sweetness, creativity...
the personality stuff is a fundamental. i'm not interested in anyone no matter how physically perfect that doesn't have the requisite level of character. i'm not picky about eyebrows, asses, thighs, lips, skin, teeth (ok teeth matter some).
in fact, i find that most women look better when they leave well enough alone. face lifts, perms, bleach, hair dye, collagen, teeth whitening and signicant amounts of make-up tend to make a woman more unnatural and less attractive. when i was younger, i was much more under the spell of hollywood/madison ave. my expectations were broadly unrealistic and superficial. i have been working for years to overcome this and mostly have... with the exception of breasts.
all i ask for is a great personality, nice breasts* and eyes with depth.
and chemistry - whatever the hell that is. breasts are my one superficial weakness, but at least i show my appreciation by smothering them with attention. and yes, you are right, when in love it matters less and less over time.
*real (implants are disgusting), sizable, firm with prominent nipples. and not too big. bigger is not always better. C or D is usually ideal. i pride myself on my ability to deduce breast size from photos (yes i know how dumb this sounds).
ME:
Anything could happen. anyone could be attractive if you're just open and if you let yourself relinquish your expectations.
I was stunned when i found myself attracted to a man in his sixties recently. You really can never say never because it limits the possibility of surprise in life.
HE:
i just knew that after i sent you the last email that i probably totally misjudged your body, even after seeing numerous photos. and that by opening my big mouth i'd lose any chance of finding out for sure. maybe i'm losing my touch (no pun intended), but you photos are obviously not representative of your breasts.
Maybe you need a better photographer (see my website www.......com for a possible replacement). (At this point I am thinking THIS GUY HAS A LOT OF NERVE...NOW HE WANTS ME TO HIRE HIM AS A PHOTOGRAPHER?)
C cup breasts on a woman your size are not small by any means, they sound downright delightful. thank you for your fascinating and stimulating breast history. this is a subject which holds endless fascination for me, but at the same time i am embarrassed and regretfull... sorry for too closely resembling a negative stereotype, j
ME:
A breast fetish! If only it was that easy!
A woman i know put in saline implants ten years ago. They leaked, disintegrated, caused infection....and she had to go through intense pain and a complicated surgery to remove them. It's really amazing the torture women put themselves through in order to be "loved" by men.
We can blame hollywood...but I can tell you, I've met a lot of celebrities over the years (I used to live in los angeles and i was a reporter, so I've met tons of them) and very few of them lived up to their publicity photos.
I saw Cindy Crawford at the ivy once, and she was radiant and pretty...but as pretty as any other pretty woman in LA.
Brooke Shields...ok, but not amazing. Gwyneth Paltrow...frumpy and plain. Bridgette Fonda...ordinary at best. Elizabeth Hurley ...shockingly emaciated. Kelly Mc Gillis...wrinkled and sun damaged. And i saw Jane Fonda at the Democratic National Convention and she had a very pronounced blonde moustache!
Not even our icons of perfection are perfect, so how can anyone ordinary be?
it's ironic for a man to say my breasts are too SMALL. i was one of those girls who "blossomed" too early...by age 11 when my mother took me shopping at the John Wannamaker department store for my first bra, I was humiliated when the lady told me I was a D cup. Later, I was an athlete and I hated having large breasts...it made running competitively and swimming difficult because my breasts would get in the way. I wished and wished that they'd disappear...and somehow, in my late 20s, they did. It was liberating. They've gone up and down...After two years as a vegan in 2003-4, they shrunk to an A, and then I started eating fish and eggs, and I gained ten pounds, so I'm back to my normal 36 C now. It's funny to me that a man would think that C cup breasts on a size 0, 5' 2" woman are "small". anything larger and i'd look freakish.
I like myself the way I am. And isn't quality (aesthetics, firmness, shape) more important than quantity?
But I understand that men are really superficial about these things...which is why my girlfriends and I take so many pains to live up to the beauty expectations of men. I shudder to think of how much it's cost.
All this and a guy will just take one glimpse at me and say, ugh, not pretty, thin, voluptuous, tall, blonde, whatever enough. after a while, it's no wonder why some women just give up and decide to let themselves go.
If you can't please men when you struggle at it...what's the point? What about other qualities -- like being smart, nice, kind, tolerant, loving, funny, wise, happy, spirited, talented, successful or creative?
I am always amazed to hear the stories of men who married a woman because she was pretty -- and then complained that the woman was psycho, or mean, or petty or manipulative or that their sex life was nonexistent.
Any man who has been in a relationship for more than 2 years with a woman will tell you that after a while, he doesn't even notice what she looks like anymore...and her personality and their ability to get along is what becomes most important.
Really, as we are all just getting older and less "attractive" by the year, it's time to grow up and start looking for the inner qualities instead of outer qualities which are guaranteed to fade with the years.
I think it's better to just be open to see what happens rather than layer on too man expectations.
I'm sorry you have been celibate for a long time. doesn't it seem that releasing a few of your expectations and allowing yourself to be open to love might be a better approach? g,
HE:
g, there's nothing i can add to your rant. you said it very well. i have been celibate for a long time because all the women i meet cannot be romatic without huge expectations.
(Wait...what about your expectations, dude? You won't even meet a woman unless she's stacked like Anna Nicole Smith.)
romance/sex is an important part of getting to know someone, but so many women seem to regard it as a signpost/confirmation of seriousness. so as not to hurt anyone, i don't sleep with anyone until i think there is serious potential. that doesn't allow much sex because a real/true connection is so very rare. i am starting to rethink my policy on casual sex.
i had an open door policy when i was younger, but not anymore. but i'm starting to think that my youth, good looks and stamina (or what's left of them) are going to waste. life is short, i should enjoy myself, right?
women suffer from the same problems that you listed for men- the most common being how they dress themselves. it is so easy for women to dress appealing, but more than 50% haven't figured this out. they show up for dates in fleece, sweats, baggy and sometimes just hideous unflattering clothing. you seem to be doing everything right, so don't worry.
i know i've been single too long when: i was at the saturday farmers market about a month ago and ran into 6 women that i've been out with. 4 from online. oy vey... i am too picky and superficial about certain things, but try to be open about others in order to strive for some balance. still, it's obviously not working.
especially online. my one completely superficial requirement is physical. assessing physical traits are especially problematic online for obvious reasons. you are going to think i'm an idiot and a pig, but i'm going to be blunt here (per you direction). i have a breast fetish. although i'm initially very attracted to all sorts of women's bodies, i cannot sustain attraction to small breasted women for the long term. lord knows i've tried. i've even seen a therapist about this (i know, i know). although there are all sorts of freudian "explanations" for this, she concluded that it's a hard wired preference and i shouldn't fight it.
ideally, if i fell in love with with a woman who didn't fit my preferences, it wouldn't matter. but, sex is one of the things that keeps me around long enough to fall in love, and without that magnetic attraction (fed partially by lustfull attraction), it is harder to focus on the better deeper stuff. my other superficial requirement is kissing- and that is impossible to discern without meeting... i'm being more selective about who i meet these days because i'm tired of disappointing.
it pains me everytime i have to send a rejection note saying thanks but no thanks after a first or 2nd date. i'm not being arrogant here, i get rejected all the time (almost daily), but it's almost always prior to a first date. so that's my pathetic and lonely little world.
here i am in my stupid mindset missing out on all the other incredible things you have to offer- and after this message, most of all your respect...
keep me posted on your decision to try and connect with someone on a base level, as i'm considering the same thing. maybe we can help one another. it feels freeing to be completely bluntly honest about all this for a change. so, thank you! j
(So now he has the nerve to suggest that he might just want to meet me to get laid? Yes, I am laughing out loud at this point, and you dear reader, I'm sure you are too.)
ME:
Ok, ok. I confess, J. I'm superficial too.
I can't stand men who have bad teeth...and ok, i'll be damned if i am going to spend the rest of my life in a monogamous relationship with a guy who has a microscopically small penis! (Slap me for being so shallow...)
Then there are the "deeper" qualities that I and all other women seek. (Ha ha.)
A man should make as much money as I do. Preferably more.
He should have some sort of aesthetic sense. (When it looks like a Radio Shack blew up in his living room, I want to head for the hills.)
His car shouldn't be covered with dog hair and old fast food wrappers. (I give bonus points for actually having a running vehicle, however.)
You don't have to wade through piles of laundry to get to his bed.
He has an element of "manliness" -- and isn't too emasculated by the modern world. Men who have more cosmetics in their bathroom than i do always scare me.
But then, anything could happen. anyone could be attractive if you're just open and if you let yourself relinquish your expectations. I was stunned when I found myself attracted to a man in his sixties recently. You really can never say never because it limits the possibility of surprise in life.
(To be continued...and yes, he continues to correspond. Oh dear reader, will this man ever attempt to actually meet a woman?)
What we really need is MATCH.BOMB or hey, MATCH.CON. A blacklist where we can post our horror stories and our real life recommendations. Amazon.com has a rating system. Ebay has a rating system. Why not online dating?
