Ten rules for dating in the zombie apocalypse

If the end of the world is coming, better find a hammer--and don't make the first move.

Stumbled on this in PinkRaygun.


As the worldwide zombie uprising continues and worsens, we should stop for a moment to consider how this will effect our dating lives. Unless you have mad mixed martial arts skills, you’re not going to make it on your own, no matter how Mary Tyler Moore you think you are, and will have to revise your ideas on dating. To this end, Pink Raygun has developed 10 Rules for Dating in the Zombie Apocalypse.

1. Lower your standards - Dates will be hard to find. “Breathing” should be your top priority. “Teeth” should be optional.

2. Cultivate plumpness - If you look well fed, it means you’re near a food source. A steady supply of food is attractive.

3. Carry a hammer - A hammer can be used as a building tool, a food preparation tool and a self-defense tool. It will be the new must-have accessory, so set yourself apart by bedazzling your hammer. A bedazzled hammer says “I’m practical and trendy!” Extra points for preparedness if you name your hammer. “Mjolnir” and “Smashy” are great names and show your date that you appreciate your hardware.

4. Don’t make the first move - Its easy to mistake a newly dead guy for a guy with no social skills or coordination. Let him make the first move, so you know he fulfills the “breathing” requirement.

5. If his first move is to bite you, whack him with your bedazzled hammer.

6. Don’t meet him halfway - When it’s time for that magical date, you’ll only increase your chances of getting nabbed by a zombie as you try to cover ground. Make him pick you up at the door.

7. Don’t talk too much - You’ll only give away your hiding place and draw more zombies to your location.

8. Learn to love poor hygiene - Body odor, haggard looks and missing teeth help a guy (or girl) blend in with the zombie landscape and helps prevent attacks, thus ensuring your continued safety.

9. Let him take the lead - That way, he’ll take the brunt of the zombie attack.

10. Be kind to zombies - You don’t want to thin out the zombie dating pool too much because one day, you’ll be a zombie, too. You may miss out on “Mister Right,” but you’re almost guaranteed to find “Mr. Bite.”

(His) relationship commitments

Six months into it is the time when couples start examining a relationship and trying to decide if it's time to move forward into a deeper commitment -- or give it up.

I was on the edge of giving up this week, when my partner sent me his list of Relationship Commitments. I was touched, but I have to admit, he failed to live up to a lot of the commitments on this list, which he wrote a year ago. Revisiting them, we realized that the biggest mistake we made was not voicing and clarifying our needs and expectations. Our expectations were based on assumptions -- not clear agreements.

After a blizzard of emails and two weeks of tense, hurt conversations, retreat and withdrawal, he coaxed me back inside with this list.

For many of us, plunging deeper into intimacy and risking the loss of someone you love is a terrifying thought, and it can be easier to not take that risk and simply run away and never go there.

If I live in the moment and stay present, have faith that there are no mistakes in life, that everything is a process and nothing lasts forever, maybe I can go there.

My Relationship Commitments

Take care of all my relationships, don’t begin or continue ones where that isn't possible. (Figure out if it’s possible as soon as I can.)

Communicate fully and honestly.

Don't allow the old pattern of making sexual relationships into love relationships automatically, including by telling people that it's my pattern up front.

Clarify expectations to death and in detail.

Make all agreements as explicit as possible.

Face the difficulties and reactions in the moment rather than putting them off and hoping for a positive outcome later.

Be aware that timeliness and my manner of communicating sensitive stuff is also really important.

Try try try to look at things from the other person's point of view BEFORE taking action.

Men, here's what you need to do when you take your girl to a party

Some men are utterly clueless when it comes to respecting their date or girlfriend when they are out in public. Their innocent flirting with other women can end up creating explosive consequences. And yet, flirting is a natural part of life, and there needs to be space for it when a couple goes out together.

I like to be with a man who is capable of respecting me and who is conscious of my feelings. How can you say you love someone and not protect their feelings?


Things that will make me feel liked, respected, adored and loved when we
are out in public:

- Walk into the event together. For the first ten minutes or so, introduce me to people. Make it clear that I am your guest by putting your arm around me. (Make me feel like I am valued and that you are proud of me.) After these initial introductions, we can start wandering separately, and maybe come back together from time to time to check in.

- Dance with me at least once during the night. Make me feel like you are actually enjoying this -- not doing it grudgingly just because you "have to." I don't want to spend the whole time with you either, but some time feels good and you're so fun to dance with.

- Make me feel as if you are proud to be seen with me in public. It feels fantastic to hold hands when entering a room, or walk hand in hand down the street together. I love that.

- Put your arm around me once in a while. Touch me subtly. Do something romantic or caring once in a while. Doesn't have to be constantly. It's ok to flirt and interact with others. Just remind me that you still like me and find me attractive, too.

- If we are away from each other for a long time, check in with each other once in a while and ask how we're doing. Are we having fun? Is the party boring? Do we want to leave?

- Try spend as time talking to, dancing and being seen with me and not just other women. (At least 25% of the time--doesn't have to be all the time.) Just remind me that we have an attraction and a spark.

- If you are touching, flirting with me a lot, and also paying attention to others, then I still feel attractive and valued. If you are being really flirtatious, touching other women but you are NOT touching me AT ALL at this event, this makes me feel rejected.

- If exes of yours are at the party, let me know who they are, point them out to me in advance so I know who they are and can navigate the minefield. Introduce me to them to help ease the tension. Maybe I will like them and we'll get to be friends.

- If you are talking to a bunch of people, try to include me too. I want to feel included, not excluded. It feels good to be part of the group and to belong.

- Toss me a compliment once in a while. Or just a smile from across the room. A wink. A glance. This feels great.

- Find ways to make these public interactions hot and juicy for us. Why not nibble my ear, whisper a suggestion or caress me subtly but in a very sexy way -- or pull me off into a dark corner for ....hmmmm?

- If you are going to disappear to go off to have a private conversation with an ex girlfriend, please let me know in advance first and explain why you need to have this discussion right now. Ask why are you having this conversation, which might be tense or emotional, or explosive, at a party, publicly, instead of later, privately. What is the outcome you're trying to create? Be honest with me (and her!) about your intentions.

- Why are you even interacting with exes anyway? Move on. Be present. You're with me now.

- Keep things light and playful, flirtatious and friendly in your interactions...not too overtly sexual. Being subtle is always sexier anyway!

- If my parents, a boss, or an influential person is in the room, be very conscious of how your behavior might be interpreted. For example, if my conventional, Catholic East Coast family is at a party, it would be very rude for you to be seen flirting with another woman or cuddling with her. It will be seen as disrespectful to me. Best to project a very conventional appearance if family / coworkers are present.

- When introduced to my family or friends, make an attempt to impress them and be interested in them.

- Introduce me to exes, when we run into them socially, to help clear tension between them and anyone you are now dating (It's harder to dislike someone you know and see as a human being.)

- If we run into o0her friends or ex lovers socially, find a way to create a conversation where we can all be included. This can help ease the tension between everyone and create friendship. It's hard for me to be friends with others if I am not given the chance.

- If you are alone at a party, event or dance, and I'm not there, be conscious of the fact that people who know us might be there and
observing you. What kind of image are you projecting? What impression are people getting about your relationship with me and your respect for my feelings? We have to take care of each others feelings even when the other is not present. Taking care of your lover's feelings is a deep act of conscious love.

- Live in the present moment, not the past. Meet new people, have fresh new experiences, don't be stuck in old patterns and be open to change.

- Do you really want to be my date at this party -- or would you rather be alone? Be honest with me about your desires and intentions. Don't take me to a party if you're going to ignore me all night. I have better things to do.

-g

The disastrous effects of Match.com

"The Disastrous Effects of Match.com and What Women Can Do About It" is an essay that appeared last week in the Washington Post sending shockwaves through the internet dating industry.

It's about time that someone in the mainstream media had the guts to admit what dozens of bloggers have been observing for years now -- online dating has drastically changed the ways we relate offline by giving everyone a false sense of unlimited opportunities. (Or why "Online Dating Sucks" returns more than 2,000 hits in Google including a multitude of blogs devoted to the subject.)

While the anonymous writer of this essay is pretty much in alignment with what I've been bitching and moaning about for months now, I do have to say she unfairly excluded the male side of this story. (Men complain that women are all out to find a venture capitalist, millionaire or a guy who looks like Brad Pitt.) Here's an excerpt from the essay:

Jennifer Aniston. Christie Brinkley. Sheryl Crow. Teri Hatcher. Either dumped or cheated on in a most humiliating and public way.

Every woman in the dating world has thought, "If it can happen to her, it can happen to me." While he's snoring away, we think quietly at night about what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen to us.

We respond by trying to make our stomachs flatter, our boobs bigger, our faces prettier, and our clothes tighter and more revealing. We do everything possible to please our man. You prefer French cooking? Mais oui, mon cher! You want my hair long? No problem, I'll get a hair extension. Spending part of your vacation with buddies? Go have a good time. You don't want to be with my family on Christmas? I'll see you on New Year's Eve. Is that OK or would you prefer some other time? Do you like my mani-pedi'd, spray on tanned, liposuctioned, Pilates body? Can't commit? Oh, that's right. You're just not that into me. Or her. Or her. Or her.

What the hell has happened? Three words. Match dot com. Match.com and other online dating services have given men access to thousands and thousands of women in every city who look just as great in jeans and a little black dress (the requirement in every man's profile), a smorgasbord of women each one more delicious to devour than the next...


Essay:

Gwyneth's dating disasters and "Dealbreakers"

Click here for Gwyneth Paltrow's charming and sometimes hilarious new short film about dating disasters, "Dealbreaker."

The lesson is here that no man is perfect. What can we live with? Are women just too picky? As Janis Joplin said: "Everyone is messed up when you get inside their head. It's just a matter of degree!"

What's interesting to me is that Paltrow both <` href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/10/movies/10gwyn.html?ex=1281326400&en=26ad6d19c9f38140&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss">directed and wrote the script for this film, so we might assume it's at least somewhat based on her own real life dating experiences with men. When you consider that she's dated Ben Afleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt among others, you have to wonder which characters in this film might be reflections of the dating blunders of her leading men.

When looks can kill a date

Once I was three hours late for a date--but my potential suitor was more miffed that I don't look like my photograph than the fact that he stood outside all afternoon shivering in the fog.

Face it, looks matter in the online dating scene. A lot. Too much, I think. (Did I mention that you were a lot smaller and shorter than I expected? That your hairstyle was kind of conservative for my taste? Did that make me disappointed? No, but your crestfallen facial expression sure did. It was obvious that SOMETHING WAS WRONG.) Ooops, I guess I should have postponed this one until the my acne facial peel recovered. Ooops, I guess I should have blowdried my hair instead of appearing with it in its natural curly state.

But ooops-- dont' you think that you're idea, arriving just after running the Bay to Breakers race was a bad idea. (You did warn me you'd be "a little bit sweaty.")

Being thought of as a good looking woman most of my adult life, it's difficult for me to accept the idea that I get rejected on the basis of my looks so often when I meet someone in the personals. (I'm quite attractive. An online date fell flat...but the very next day a man asked me for my number in Whole Foods Market while I was standing next to the bananas.)

No, I think there's just something warped about meeting someone online. It warps the expectation meter.

There was one man who hit on me constantly at a dance event. A few months later we stumbled on each other in the personals so we went out, and it fell flat.

He said: "I'm not feeling any chemistry." What? You were trying to put your hands all over me when you met me "out there". But then we do the standard, uptight internet date and it just whithers and dies. There's just something downright toxic about Internet dates.

The expectation level is ridiculous. Why does every man think he "deserves" a 10? Why do they all think they "deserve" a woman ten years younger? One man met me in a date and the first said: "Your hair isn't red! You lied!"

Looking good in a photograph is not the same thing as looking good in real life. As an image-creator, as a person who meets and mingles with and works with people in the public eye, we know this is true. At first, when I saw some celebrities I've met...oh my God. Some of them looked so shockingly, horrifyingly different than their glam airbrushed photographs. But over time, as their wit and personality and verve and life emerged...those frumpy middle aged women with the cavernous wrinkles and those middle aged paunchy men with the bags under their eyes became sexy and vital and attractive. Because beauty and vitality really come from within...from our confidence and our personality. And that vitality can vary greatly from day to day, depending on our moods, the weather, what we're doing, where we are and who we're with.

I've met some stunningly attractive men from these ads...but that didn't make the sparks fly. It all comes from within. It's ineffable. Indefinable. You can't put your finger on it but you know it's there...when it's there.

Unfortunately, I happen to be photogenic--but variably attractive (that is, sometimes I look great, sometimes horrible. I'm not consistently gorgeous from day to day and I know it). I have great photographs...all taken during those peak moments when I was in love, my hair was having a good day, on the beach, on vacation. Well of course I look better in that light than I will when I've been sitting in traffic for two hours rushing to get to a date, or I've been working all day, or we're feeling lonely and rejected. Rush hour isn't usually a Kodak moment.

Is that too much to ask? Do I have to be THE LOVE OF THIS GUYS LIFE to spend some time hiking and driving to the country and having some fun? Do we have to be lonely just because we're not perfect? If we all lowered our standards we'd be a lot happier -- and these websites would be out of business.

So I have a new dating rule -- no coffee dates. No sweaty hikes. I am only going to meet men in situations where I can dress nicely, where the room is intimate, where it's appropriate for me to wear a miniskirt and heels, where the mood is relaxed, where chemistry might have a chance to spark. The only successful Internet dates I've had (success being measured by the first date leading to a second and then a third) were drinks in a quiet bar, or intimate dinners, at night, wine served. The hit and run 25 minute job interview style coffee date has a dismal track record.

Is cyberspace better than your place?

I was wearing a red shirt and a black mini skirt that night. I felt gorgeous. I felt alive. It was the way you were supposed to meet the love of your life--with 20 of my friends there as witnesses, surrounded by everyone I love, surrounded by people who should have known better than to invite us both there.

He was standing in the kitchen. And the moment we saw each other it was like, POOF instant recognition. Sparks. Lightning bolts. The kind of spontaneous combustion that happens two or three times in your life. My life at least.

Within hours we were on the couch, and I was crying in his arms. He felt like someone I knew already. Someone I could trust.

He later told me that the smell of me was intoxicating. He would dream of that smell.

And I thought: "Yes, this is the way. This is the way it's supposed to happen. In the real world where the pheremones are there, where all the senses are engaged and you can touch and taste and smell and see, where the attraction is obvious, where you're one degree of separation apart because you both know the same circle of people.

Yes, this was the real world, not an Internet Personal so it had to be better. It had to be right.

The next day he wrote me a long letter. He said he was really interested in getting to know me better, and that he was glad that I could trust him like that.

As we walked back to the car, a homeless man said: "You two are beautiful together."

And people always said that. You two are beautiful. You look like you are so in love. We seemed to be rolling on the same cloud. I guess I forgot that clouds eventually swell and burst and the rain comes.

I was thinking: Yes, this is the way it's supposed to be when you meet someone in the real world. This is the way you fall in love.

He was calling every day and every night. He was driving 200 miles round trip, twice a week, to see me.

By our second month together, he joked, if we kept seeing each other at this rate, within two weeks we would be living together.

And then, something changed. I can't put my finger on it, but reality intervened. And we finally learned the ugly shocking truth about each other:

We wanted the exactly the opposite things from life.

He was a hardworking single Dad in a house on a cul du sac with a lawn and a barbecue who was finally on the home stretch, looking at freedom ahead, plotting his escape -- early retirement and a freewheeling life of rediscovering the adolescence he never had. Parties, concerts, raves, drugs, a different woman every night...this was the light at the end of his frustrated, middle aged tunnel. Somehow he thought I was the perfect woman to explore the world and head off on this existential journey with.

I'd sown my oats and then some -- free and unencumbered, Lonely Planet book in hand, exploring any and everything I ever wanted to discover, nothing tying me down, no responsibilities but to myself. And I was sick of all this freedom -- I wanted to take care of someone. The cul de sac and barbecue were finally not the big boring threats they once were. I was a grown up and ready to take on some responsibility and drill some roots into the turf and nurture something beside my own self indulgence.

I was attracted to that hardworking dedicated single Dad and thinking, wow, I'd love to settle in and help him raise his kids, be the woman that his ex couldn't be.

We wanted not what each other was becoming, but what each other had been. Once this realization emerged, it was over. The cloud burst and it rained and rained.

But what if we had met online, on the Internet?

The big, nasty ugly questions:

- Do you want (more) children?

- Where do you see yourself in the next ten years?

- Are you looking for a casual short term fling or a life partner?

On the Internet, you didn't even see a man's profile before those questions were out of the way. You didn't even click. You didn't even stand a chance of accidental spontaneous combustion with someone whoose path was only crossing yours because you were just getting ready to do a u turn.

So here I am, a bit humbled. Wondering if, indeed, the Internet might be a better way.

Or if finding someone on the same path is indeed such a monumental task that we just have to keep bouncing back into cyberspace, keep clicking, keep hoping, keep that flicker of fearless irrational optimism alive in our hearts that makes love possible.

Hot -- or not so hot?

Here is are actual photos I found on Hot or Not.com, an online dating website that gives us all a chance to get rated like a cut of USDA meat.

Could these guys really seriously think they're hot, sexy guys on a scale of one to ten? Or are they just pulling my leg? (Hey, one guy pulled it so far it's amputated.)

Or is there truly someone for everyone out there in the vast online dating smorgasboard that is cyberspace?