Giving up on love...just seeking sperm

I found this post on Craigslist today...and it made me profoundly sad. I know an increasing number of women who are considering this option. How could a man knowingly create a child and never know them, never love them, never provide?

"Giving up on love, at least for now, just seeking sperm.

One day I will meet my "other half" but I'm not going to get married or pair up with a man just to have a family. I want to be with someone I fall madly in love with and can imagine spending my life with. My biological clock is ticking and I really want to have a child. I am looking for an attractive, professional man, no history of mental illness and in excellent health. I seek purely a sperm donor relationship. It does not matter to me if you are married or single. You do not need to be in the child's life in any way, shape or form. I don't want a cent from you and I would be willing to sign something to that affect.

I could go to a sperm bank but then I wouldn't meet the child's "biological father" and I would like to be able to tell my son or daughter a fair share about who helped create him or her so that he or she will have some sense of where they come from. I am single, have no boyfriend and am not seeing anyone. I have made no connections in terms of potential relationships and don't casual date. In short, it just hasn't happened for me. I have a lot of male friends but have yet to make a romantic connection. I am attractive, normal, educated, successful and under 40.

Hopefully, one day, i will meet a great man who wants children who i will fall in love with and he will think my child is awesome and i will tell him how wonderful a man you are for giving me this beautiful child that I can nurture, love and care for. write me and tell me about yourself. and thanks for considering helping me make my dream come true.

I finished reading her post and thought: Has it come to this?

And what will this child of the future think of men when she learns that her mother had to create a child anonymously...that no man wanted to have the responsibility...that no man loved her mother enough to care. Can unloved mothers create lovable children? I know that bearing a child is an awesome responsibility, not to be taken lightly, but I wonder....what will these children of the next generation think of these ghost fathers?

In the past, we were raised by tribes and perhaps in the future we will return to them, intentional tribes where we raise children together, where men have an increasingly diminished role. They've opted out of the family -- choosing instead to have fleeting sexual encounters, to skydive, scuba, mountain bike and ski. Alone, alone, alone.

Someday, as these men enter their senior years, with nobody to care for them, too old and crippled to windsurf, sitting on their stock portfolios and retirement funds, without heirs, with nobody to share the holidays with, nobody to carry their name... will they regret the children that they never created?

Is that it, the men are listless and we're perfect?

Today I found "Attack of the Listless Lads" in Salon.com

"Passionless and confused, they swim torpidly about in the dating pool, driving me and my single girlfriends to despair," writes Rebecca Traister. So she asked Benjamin Kunkel, author of the hot new novel "Indecision," to explain to what's wrong with young American men.

Of course, the Harvard-educated 32-year old author of a bestselling novel isn't exactly the most authoritarian source on slacker values. But he does have a point. Namely, that today's American males are listless and aimless -- while the women that chase them are powerful and together. And yet these super women expect men to somehow complete them.

And Rebecca's words chillingly remind me of some of the men I've dated in Silicon Valley. They roll out of bed at 11 am and pad over to the computer to hack for a few hours, pull in just enough money to buy a season lift ticket, and have absolutely no responsibility to anybody. Weekends are spent under the spell of halucinogens at raves and parties, putting up a brave false front in the hope of luring women into their eerily unfurnished high-rent apartments. Their medicine cabinets and bedside tables are laden with bottles of Paxil, Valium, Prozac, muscle relaxants that have been prescribed for their backpains, depression and imaginary ailments. And I'm talking about men in their 40s here. She's talking about men a decade younger.

Rebecca writes:

"For some time now I have been anxious to let loose on the sorry state of the young male population of this country...the men I meet are not the rakish, workaholic, cheating cads of yore. No, I'm bearing witness to a bona fide crisis in American masculinity, one that seems especially, but not exclusively, to afflict the young, urban and privileged. And with it, I have observed the birth of a new breed of man: a man of few interests and no passions; a man whose libido is reduced and whose sense of responsibility nonexistent. These men are commitment-phobic not just about love, but about life. They drink and take drugs, but even their hedonism lacks focus or joy. They exhibit no energy for anyone, any activity, profession or ideology. ...And, in an effort to cure what ails them, they have been medicated to the gills with potions designed to dull their feelings even further. "

But I wonder, who are the female equivalent of these listless men? Is it fair to point the blame for our failed relationships on one gender? And isn't the root of this listlessness really just the fact that these young men don't have anyone to perform for? If society isn't urging them to get off the couch, if their parents don't nag and their mother's don't call, if nobody notices and nobody cares, and most of all, as Benjamin states, if women continue to "put out" and have sex with these guys, they'll continue this endless cycle of slacking.

My WHAT are too small?

I decided to pull the plug on my online dating addiction. No more strained cups of coffee. No more quibbling about who pays. No more blowdrying my hair and driving hours to a date way out in West Bumchuck to find that the guy was absolutely unrecognizable because he's posted a ten year old photograph (several thousand hairs ago...several pounds ago). No more facing the inevitable rejection when he looks at me, that first glimpse, and his face falls and the disappointment is palpable and I feel like that girl at the Jr. High School dance, sitting on the sidelines and not getting asked to dance. I have better things to do with my time.

You see, I just learned that I am undatable because...well...I can't even say it without laughing uncontrollably. It's the last thing I ever expected.

My tits are too small.

It came to this when I made the mistake of re-contacting "Stuck on Himself" (his name has been changed to protect the guilty) a self-proclaimed architect and photographer I'd been corresponding with about 9 months before. On paper, the guy seems like a catch. He was sending me articulate email messages almost every day. We spoke many times on the phone. He invited me to meet him, but he was in the middle of moving and so was I on the same day, in fact, so we backburnered each other and somehow lost track. But here he was, still single. So I sent out a little note to see how he was doing:

ME:

Still at the top of my list? What's with that?

Hi. It's kind of surreal the way this site month after month keeps putting you on top of my "Best Matches" list....doesn't that every make you just a little bit curious? i removed my profile for several months (i was exploring a relationship with a man who sadly moved to another state...so here i am, firing my ad up again. what are you up to?

HE:

I've been active again lately, maybe that explains it. although you seem to be a wonderful and beautiful woman, superficial as it sounds, i think that you're not my type. good luck to you... j

I'm thinking...well...why were you so interested in meeting me before, but now, suddenly disinterested....no explanation. What's up? So I decided, for the sake of my blog, and you, dear readers, to pobe a little deeper.

ME:

Golly, you do have point there. We don't have much in common...because i'm not exactly adverse to hard boiled eggs, and you are...so we must not be a match.

But seriously, it's just a little puzzling, that's all...because we corresponded quite a bit and spoke on the telephone a few times, and you're absolutely one of the most interesting men i've run into on here (and that's saying a lot.)

But i ceratainly respect that hunch that someone's not a fit...and your honesty in conveying that.

I find it's always best to be polite, because i seem to run into these virtual men in the "real" world with alarming frequency.

(Read between the lines here:

Unlike the rudeness you have displayed to me, I am not going to be rude to you because you might end up on the other end of a conference table with me some day. Yes, it does happen.)

HE:

You are are prime example of why I wish I wasn't so superficial, because you do seem wonderful.

j

ME:

(Now I am ranting, yes.)

Being so picky and superficial is probably the reason why two attractive, fit, successful, smart, competent, supposedly amazing people like us are still single, childless, sleeping alone every night and spending too much time on these personal sites instead of having fun and making love.

Frankly, I'm about to throw up my hands in disgust and just have mindless sex with someone at this point. at least that would be connecting on some level, instead of no level.

I think everyone has ridiculously high standards and keeps believing that every single checkmark on their wish list can be magically fulfilled. In the end, we are all a lot lonelier.

So what are you being so superficial about?

ie:

- Your photos are too blurry
- You weren't flirtatious enough on the phone
- I want to date a younger woman
- You seem like you're looking for a real relationship, and i'm just trying to get laid
- You seem too desperate

We're never going to meet anyway, so please be blunt.

HE: Well, you'll kill me for saying this. I know it's really superficial.

But you're breasts are too small.

ME: What? My breasts are too small? Is that all?

I'm being rejected because of my breasts? What a relief!

As the French say: "More than a mouthful is wasted." (Isn't the ideal breast shaped exactly like a glass of champagne?)

HE:

hi, i feared that you would misunderstand me. you seem to be assuming that i am equally picky/superficial about other body parts and not particular at all about intelligence, integrity, humor, sweetness, creativity...

the personality stuff is a fundamental. i'm not interested in anyone no matter how physically perfect that doesn't have the requisite level of character. i'm not picky about eyebrows, asses, thighs, lips, skin, teeth (ok teeth matter some).

in fact, i find that most women look better when they leave well enough alone. face lifts, perms, bleach, hair dye, collagen, teeth whitening and signicant amounts of make-up tend to make a woman more unnatural and less attractive. when i was younger, i was much more under the spell of hollywood/madison ave. my expectations were broadly unrealistic and superficial. i have been working for years to overcome this and mostly have... with the exception of breasts.

all i ask for is a great personality, nice breasts* and eyes with depth.

and chemistry - whatever the hell that is. breasts are my one superficial weakness, but at least i show my appreciation by smothering them with attention. and yes, you are right, when in love it matters less and less over time.

*real (implants are disgusting), sizable, firm with prominent nipples. and not too big. bigger is not always better. C or D is usually ideal. i pride myself on my ability to deduce breast size from photos (yes i know how dumb this sounds).

ME:
Anything could happen. anyone could be attractive if you're just open and if you let yourself relinquish your expectations.

I was stunned when i found myself attracted to a man in his sixties recently. You really can never say never because it limits the possibility of surprise in life.

HE:

i just knew that after i sent you the last email that i probably totally misjudged your body, even after seeing numerous photos. and that by opening my big mouth i'd lose any chance of finding out for sure. maybe i'm losing my touch (no pun intended), but you photos are obviously not representative of your breasts.

Maybe you need a better photographer (see my website www.......com for a possible replacement). (At this point I am thinking THIS GUY HAS A LOT OF NERVE...NOW HE WANTS ME TO HIRE HIM AS A PHOTOGRAPHER?)

C cup breasts on a woman your size are not small by any means, they sound downright delightful. thank you for your fascinating and stimulating breast history. this is a subject which holds endless fascination for me, but at the same time i am embarrassed and regretfull... sorry for too closely resembling a negative stereotype, j

ME:

A breast fetish! If only it was that easy!

A woman i know put in saline implants ten years ago. They leaked, disintegrated, caused infection....and she had to go through intense pain and a complicated surgery to remove them. It's really amazing the torture women put themselves through in order to be "loved" by men.

We can blame hollywood...but I can tell you, I've met a lot of celebrities over the years (I used to live in los angeles and i was a reporter, so I've met tons of them) and very few of them lived up to their publicity photos.

I saw Cindy Crawford at the ivy once, and she was radiant and pretty...but as pretty as any other pretty woman in LA.

Brooke Shields...ok, but not amazing. Gwyneth Paltrow...frumpy and plain. Bridgette Fonda...ordinary at best. Elizabeth Hurley ...shockingly emaciated. Kelly Mc Gillis...wrinkled and sun damaged. And i saw Jane Fonda at the Democratic National Convention and she had a very pronounced blonde moustache!

Not even our icons of perfection are perfect, so how can anyone ordinary be?

it's ironic for a man to say my breasts are too SMALL. i was one of those girls who "blossomed" too early...by age 11 when my mother took me shopping at the John Wannamaker department store for my first bra, I was humiliated when the lady told me I was a D cup. Later, I was an athlete and I hated having large breasts...it made running competitively and swimming difficult because my breasts would get in the way. I wished and wished that they'd disappear...and somehow, in my late 20s, they did. It was liberating. They've gone up and down...After two years as a vegan in 2003-4, they shrunk to an A, and then I started eating fish and eggs, and I gained ten pounds, so I'm back to my normal 36 C now. It's funny to me that a man would think that C cup breasts on a size 0, 5' 2" woman are "small". anything larger and i'd look freakish.

I like myself the way I am. And isn't quality (aesthetics, firmness, shape) more important than quantity?

But I understand that men are really superficial about these things...which is why my girlfriends and I take so many pains to live up to the beauty expectations of men. I shudder to think of how much it's cost.

All this and a guy will just take one glimpse at me and say, ugh, not pretty, thin, voluptuous, tall, blonde, whatever enough. after a while, it's no wonder why some women just give up and decide to let themselves go.

If you can't please men when you struggle at it...what's the point? What about other qualities -- like being smart, nice, kind, tolerant, loving, funny, wise, happy, spirited, talented, successful or creative?

I am always amazed to hear the stories of men who married a woman because she was pretty -- and then complained that the woman was psycho, or mean, or petty or manipulative or that their sex life was nonexistent.

Any man who has been in a relationship for more than 2 years with a woman will tell you that after a while, he doesn't even notice what she looks like anymore...and her personality and their ability to get along is what becomes most important.

Really, as we are all just getting older and less "attractive" by the year, it's time to grow up and start looking for the inner qualities instead of outer qualities which are guaranteed to fade with the years.

I think it's better to just be open to see what happens rather than layer on too man expectations.

I'm sorry you have been celibate for a long time. doesn't it seem that releasing a few of your expectations and allowing yourself to be open to love might be a better approach? g,

HE:

g, there's nothing i can add to your rant. you said it very well. i have been celibate for a long time because all the women i meet cannot be romatic without huge expectations.

(Wait...what about your expectations, dude? You won't even meet a woman unless she's stacked like Anna Nicole Smith.)

romance/sex is an important part of getting to know someone, but so many women seem to regard it as a signpost/confirmation of seriousness. so as not to hurt anyone, i don't sleep with anyone until i think there is serious potential. that doesn't allow much sex because a real/true connection is so very rare. i am starting to rethink my policy on casual sex.

i had an open door policy when i was younger, but not anymore. but i'm starting to think that my youth, good looks and stamina (or what's left of them) are going to waste. life is short, i should enjoy myself, right?

women suffer from the same problems that you listed for men- the most common being how they dress themselves. it is so easy for women to dress appealing, but more than 50% haven't figured this out. they show up for dates in fleece, sweats, baggy and sometimes just hideous unflattering clothing. you seem to be doing everything right, so don't worry.

i know i've been single too long when: i was at the saturday farmers market about a month ago and ran into 6 women that i've been out with. 4 from online. oy vey... i am too picky and superficial about certain things, but try to be open about others in order to strive for some balance. still, it's obviously not working.

especially online. my one completely superficial requirement is physical. assessing physical traits are especially problematic online for obvious reasons. you are going to think i'm an idiot and a pig, but i'm going to be blunt here (per you direction). i have a breast fetish. although i'm initially very attracted to all sorts of women's bodies, i cannot sustain attraction to small breasted women for the long term. lord knows i've tried. i've even seen a therapist about this (i know, i know). although there are all sorts of freudian "explanations" for this, she concluded that it's a hard wired preference and i shouldn't fight it.

ideally, if i fell in love with with a woman who didn't fit my preferences, it wouldn't matter. but, sex is one of the things that keeps me around long enough to fall in love, and without that magnetic attraction (fed partially by lustfull attraction), it is harder to focus on the better deeper stuff. my other superficial requirement is kissing- and that is impossible to discern without meeting... i'm being more selective about who i meet these days because i'm tired of disappointing.

it pains me everytime i have to send a rejection note saying thanks but no thanks after a first or 2nd date. i'm not being arrogant here, i get rejected all the time (almost daily), but it's almost always prior to a first date. so that's my pathetic and lonely little world.

here i am in my stupid mindset missing out on all the other incredible things you have to offer- and after this message, most of all your respect...

keep me posted on your decision to try and connect with someone on a base level, as i'm considering the same thing. maybe we can help one another. it feels freeing to be completely bluntly honest about all this for a change. so, thank you! j

(So now he has the nerve to suggest that he might just want to meet me to get laid? Yes, I am laughing out loud at this point, and you dear reader, I'm sure you are too.)

ME:

Ok, ok. I confess, J. I'm superficial too.

I can't stand men who have bad teeth...and ok, i'll be damned if i am going to spend the rest of my life in a monogamous relationship with a guy who has a microscopically small penis! (Slap me for being so shallow...)

Then there are the "deeper" qualities that I and all other women seek. (Ha ha.)

A man should make as much money as I do. Preferably more.

He should have some sort of aesthetic sense. (When it looks like a Radio Shack blew up in his living room, I want to head for the hills.)

His car shouldn't be covered with dog hair and old fast food wrappers. (I give bonus points for actually having a running vehicle, however.)

You don't have to wade through piles of laundry to get to his bed.

He has an element of "manliness" -- and isn't too emasculated by the modern world. Men who have more cosmetics in their bathroom than i do always scare me.

But then, anything could happen. anyone could be attractive if you're just open and if you let yourself relinquish your expectations. I was stunned when I found myself attracted to a man in his sixties recently. You really can never say never because it limits the possibility of surprise in life.

(To be continued...and yes, he continues to correspond. Oh dear reader, will this man ever attempt to actually meet a woman?)

What we really need is MATCH.BOMB or hey, MATCH.CON. A blacklist where we can post our horror stories and our real life recommendations. Amazon.com has a rating system. Ebay has a rating system. Why not online dating?

Is it better to be alone than be anything less than madly in love?

I found this post on Craigslist today in the Men Seeking Women ads. When did Dating become....well, a job. Dating has indeed become too much like "a job". Mainly because so many people have such high expectations, which are usually rooted in familial and/or societal imprints around what a "good life" or marriage "should" be like. Women in particular seem to suffer from overly serious expectations surrounding the first few dates. Whatever happened to just having fun?"

When does passion meet practicality? And, what are you willing to sacrifice? If one finds that they have made a mistake in their choice of a partner, it's ALL about sacrifice during the day to day living. Once a mistake like that is made, the sacrificial stakes go up exponentially as we contemplate the undoing of our entanglements.

I keep hoping that I will someday be able to happily align all of my important life elements with another, but so far that just hasn't happened. Perhaps only the most balanced and integrated among us ever finds the perfect partner which is a reflection of ourselves.

Finding the "perfect partner" seems to be the modern day holy grail that everyone is looking for. A few come close to the ideal. The rest just compromise various parts of themselves in an effort to try to make something work. Is it better to be alone than to compromise? A lot of us are still asking that question...

Shall we braindance?

So why is this blog called Brain Dancing?

One day, as I was lying in bed in that space somewhere between consciousness and sleep, I was thinking of what is typically considered the ultimate in female sex appeal, and I thought:

Lap Dancing.

So I thought of Brain Dancing as the intelligent form of female sexuality.

I initially wanted to write about my own experiences as a smart, competent, accomplished woman trying to find an identity for herself in a world that values women only for their sexuality, youth and beauty.

But then as Brain Dancing rapidly evolved into a discussion of online dating and my experiences with it, I started to think of braindancing in the sense of what we do when we bond electronically, in cyberspace, to the mythic idea of a romantic partner.

For centuries, probably since the beginning of life as we know it, and until this very day, dancing was the core mating ritual for humans. By touching, moving, cheek to cheek, body to body, we could smell each other, brush against each other, feel our energetic connection. In the traditional spiral dance, which has forms in the Hindu and Celtic cultures, one could see and touch every other man and woman in the room in the span of an hour.

But in the cyber realm, when we’re online dating, we are dancing with our brains, not our bodies. We’re testing a spark…trying to see if any attraction exists…in a purely intellectual space.

It’s this very act of detachment, with a vast network of keys, screens, wires, cables and networks between us, that makes this Brain Dance so ridiculously incapable of determining if any real physical spark could possibly exist. It might in fact be the reason why the few people I know who did fall in love through a personal ad are either excellent writers who are adept at communicating in words -- or intellectual people who I'd say live more in their brains than their bodies.

Very few humans have the ability to communicate sexuality on a screen or a page. The rare ones who do we reward handsomely – they’re called Movie Stars, Rock Stars, Supermodels, Politicians, Advertising Executives and Best Selling Authors. Anybody who can broadcast sexuality to the masses has a rare and marketable talent.

And yet love is about narrow casting—finding just one person who you can connect with on a deep and meaningful level. I think it’s for this reason that Internet Dating doesn’t work reliably. Sometimes it works – and I think it works best for people who can broadcast their appeal. Or for someone very diligent and focused who uses the web to meet dozens of people and then through trial and error, finally find the one who they “click” with in the real world.

Too close for comfort

I notice that people are more likely to post here when I write something that is more emotional and closer to my own life.

I guess I just want to admit that while I certainly have a lot to say, I'm not ready for that yet -- that I'm easing up to the idea of exposing myself bare to the world on a web page. Be patient with me.

I know, personally, from talking to friends, from reading the Craigslist rants, from even reading the text of ads themselves, that there is a groundswell of frustration and anger about the state of dating and relationships today. My theory is that the myth that Internet ads create, this idea of extending your search to the entire planet, in the epic quest for that one person who precisely satisfies your every desire....the very existence of this myth is what leads to so much anger. And where does this myth come from? Probably the visions of beauty and perfection that are fed to us in the media -- visions that are always caught at just the right angle.

Would Tom Cruise or Will Smith be able to find a date on Match.com? Probably not--because these men are too short to meet the "5'10" and above" requirements most women have in their ads.

Would Brooke Shields, Nicole Kidman or Sarah Jessica Parker get any hits? Probably few, given that these gorgeous women are all over 40.

And speaking as a person who has met dozens of celebrities, authors, politicians and icons in my career -- nobody ever looks as good in person as they do in a photograph. Grow up. Get real. I mean, come on, does your real estate agent ever look like that ten year old photo next to their listing?

Consider that one of the most beautiful women in the world (Jennifer Aniston) can't even get a date right now...and there seems to be an epidemic of gorgeous women (Angelina Jolie, Sharon Stone and now, Oprah) who can't find a husband / father for their child -- and have decided to adopt kids.

Have women given up on men? Do we truly need them less than a fish needs a bicycle?

The Hefty Bag Approach to Dating

Has anyone yet compared the success rate of dating the old fashioned way, ten years ago, back before Internet personals were invented -- and the new, improved Internet way?

Are there any statistics that show a greater satisfaction with relationships, more stable and lasting marriages?

Or has Internet dating actually eroded our ability to meet and relate?

Here are some themes I hope to explore in Brain Dancing:

1. An endless stream of new prospects has made dates less precious, more expendable. It's created what I call the "Hefty Bag" approach to dating. Dates are rapidly trashed (or recycled.) As if Internet dates somehow aren't "real" people -- so real feelings don't matter.

2. The anonymity of personal ads has created an explosion in "casual encounters," "hookups" just for sex, "booty calls", swinger ads and "NSA" affairs. Were people really into so much no strings attached sex ten years ago -- before the Internet made it so anonymous and easy?

3. Online dating has made infidelity a profitable business -- 28% of the 40 million American adults who use Internet personals are actually married.

4. Despite the proliferation in Internet dating services -- few people seem to create sustainable relationships this way. Out of my wide circle of personal friends, I know only 4 couples who have met and married through personal ads. (And of those, one resulted in a divorce one year later.). Virtually all of my single friends use Internet personals -- but very few of these people seem to make it past the first date with anyone.

5. Internet personal ads are often blatantly dishonest. Every man I know who has tried Internet dating services complains that the majority of the photographs that women place are at least ten years old and that women about their age. (One guy I spoke with on the phone when I was screening prospective dates said, sarcastically, "Photoshop is a girl's best friend." Women complain that the men they meet are often married and looking for some side play--or recently separated, on the rebound and just looking for quick, casual sex -- even though their ad states they're single and "looking for a serious relationship".

6. The upside? Internet ads bring wonderful new friends into our lives who we might have never met otherwise -- or put us in touch with people we already met before ("in the real world") but somehow didn't connect with. Internet ads also help people find "that needle in a haystack" -- the one person in the world who can share a very narrow, political interest, religion, dietary preference, race, geographic region, kink or hobby.

Ayurvedic personal ads that match you by dosha? Hey, why not.